2013
What more can I say? The number
13 is always linked to an unlucky number. I’m not that superstitious but events
that happened in my life for the past 12 months proved that 13 is not a good
number for me.
I don’t know where to
start but let’s go back as far as January. Anything happen? Right. First, my iPhone
don’t allow me to update my WhatsApp application. So frustrating. Secondly, my
son’s kindergarten (kindy) stops accepting children age 6. This means, I have
to find a new kindy for him this year. A little panic as all kindy has closed its
registration weeks ago. The government kindy closed its registration months
ago. I tried to stay cool. Pray to Allah that everything should be okay.
Finally, found a kindy that accept new intake, but the fees, needless to say.
Luckily, the kindy owner understands the parents “awal tahun” difficulties. She
allowed school fee payment by 3 installments. A relief for me as I still have 3
others whose education needs to use some fund. My savings? That’s why it is
called a savings. Not to be use.
Moving towards to
February. Nothing much is happening but I miss somebody quite a lot. Haven’t
seen her for a bit while but my hearts keeps calling her name. Tried to ignore
it but, never ever ever try to cheat your heart. Just let it be for a while as
sooner or later, I’ll meet her, somewhere, someday, somehow. March is the month
of bonus $$$. Been waiting for it but expect the unexpected. Bonus received is
still a disappointing one. Stingy employer. And oh ya,,, Manchester United manage to grab
back its Premier League Trophy. For season 2012-2013.
April. I always remember first
day of April as Diana’s day. Why? Because it’s her birthday! I always wanted to
give her a tight h** and a deep k*** but just don’t have the courage to do it. (Hihihi
….. don’t tell her that). Anyway, Aries is always like that. Or is it just me?
The itchy Aries. Hahaha.,..
It’s my birthday month too
and I always told myself, don’t buy any present for myself (I always do that as
never ever in adult my life, someone bought me a present on my birthday). So
might as well, I buy myself a chocolate, eventhough I always put a high hope
that one day, a princess will come into my life a donate her heart to me …. Hahahaha.
Suddenly, I thought of something, the night before my birthday, set my FaceBook
birth date privacy setting to only me. And I whisper to myself, let’s see, who
remember.
First, it was my sister.
Okay lah. She always does. My mother? Still confuse whether it’s on 17 or 18.
(Makes me think again which one is the real date). Then, in the office, it was
Diana. Thank god. Somebody remembers. I’m touched. Then I received a message
from Janet. She always remember it and I still remember, she is the only boss
and the first boss that bought me a cake, a small cupcake on my birthday (now I’m
dripping my tears remembering it) years ago, when everybody seems to walk pass-through
me like I don’t exist. After that, my FB-phone was silence. Nothing. No one remembers.
No one love me? Or I’m just nobody to them. This is when I know who my true
friend is. I’m still waiting messages, notes, SMS or whatever from her, but remain
a but. She doesn’t remember. But I can remember hers in June. But that is just
me. And but ……. Arghhh!!! Nevermind. I know it means nothing to her. Stupid me.
Alas, just before midnite, I switched my birth date privacy setting back to
friends only. Only then, I received well wishes from friend and I count, only
11 of them wishes me. And that was my 4 series birthday. Sometimes, I envy a
lot of people get well wishes from their friends & family on their
birthday. That shows they have a lot of concern people in their life. Me? I
just don’t have that much lovers. Same goes to a lot of my FB photos. The most
LIKE I can get is maybe 5. Sometimes, only one LIKE. But when I see others,
when they post a photo (even with bad quality) the LIKE they get is just like
waterfall during rainy season ………. STOP it!!!! What the crab I’m mumbling
about???
May. The month that I will
never forgot in my life. My cousin called and told me that something might happen
to my daughter but I must check for myself. I have that feeling since January
but I just ignored it hoping that one day, Allah will give me a sign. And
today, He really did. I have to confront the worst nightmare of my life. I, a
quiet type person, who only open my mouth when necessary, have to message my
children’s mother and get her to confirm with my daughter. And it was confirmed
that she is carrying a baby. We confronted her boyfriend’s parents and come to
a conclusion that the two of them must get married soonest possible. What do
you expect, at this age, I have to learn handling this situation all alone.
Only Allah knows my true feeling at that moment. There’s no shoulder that I can
cry on. I don’t have the courage to talk to anybody. A lot of time, my Twitter
account is where I express my frustration, my sadness, crying, seeking for
forgiveness, but of course, nobody in Twitter cares. I don’t have that many
followers in Twitter. I just hoping that everything in my heart is not
accumulated that can cause me a break down syndrome.
But it happened. I am
breaking apart. I can’t work properly. I can’t focus. I can’t sleep. I can’t
eat (oopsss….I eat a lot). I cry a lot in my prayer. I pray and cry and pray
and cry and pray, asking for forgiveness. Asking for help. Asking for a
solution. I wake up 2am in the morning, praying till dawn almost daily, hoping
that Allah listens to me. Give me a solution. Give me a way. Give me a wisdom.
And my prayer answered one by one. I can see the path. I seek guidance and I
was guided by Allah. You will never believe it but I can feel that Allah is
whispering to me on what to do next. Everything planned and is working perfectly.
I managed to handle the marriage process from A to Z single handedly (but of
course a few things with the help of my family). Not a single call I made to invite
my guest but surprisingly, 95% of my family were there for the wedding dinner.
All this happen in end of May, whole month of June and early July. And during
this period, there’s not a single day that I can sleep properly, eat properly,
work properly. I gain weight drastically during this period. I can’t control my
brain to increase my metabolism rate like I normally do. From 78kg, I last
weight at 85kg in less than 1 month.
Lucky me, fasting month
approached very soon. The chance for me to go on diet and it was successful,
for a while. I can’t stop my eating habit. Meat, carbo, sugar, fat, you named
it, I eat it all. No restriction and I don’t know why. Stress? Maybe. Workload
in the office is getting worst. Worst than the 1st day I was
assigned to that section. A lot of time, I just can’t stop thinking about food.
My weight increases drastically that my leg can’t coop with it and causing difficulties
for me to bend down, walking up the stairs, even putting on my sock. I never
get use to big belly before. I don’t even remember when was the last time I
really look into a mirror to see myself. Even the doctor advices me a lot of
time to reduce my eating habit. As usual, I just said okay. But it is still
like that. I suspect it might be because I stop smoking that my appetite for
food increases? Oh ya, I’ve been stop smoking real cigarette since January. Now
is running on e-cigarette rehab.
Injury happens to me a lot
of time this year. Twice I injured my calf. Have to use “tongkat” for a couple
of weeks. My finger, still having a dislocated join as I’m writing now. My
spine …. So scared to talk about it. This year alone, 2 of my family members
when into spine surgery due to injury. My uncle and my cousin’s husband. I know
that, once I complaint to any doctor of my back bone pain, I’m sure they will recommend
me to a specialist. I’ve promised myself that I will avoid surgery no matter
what. It’s a painful process. Until now, I still can feel the pain on my left
shoulder when I carry heavy things. And it’s not freely moved. Nobody knows.
Talking about surgery, August is the month that I’m really un-organised. My eldest
daughter admitted to hospital 3 times. I have to juggle between work and home.
As early as 4.30am – 5am, I have to wake up, prepare food for the children.
Their breakfast and lunch. Standby food for cooking at dinner. Ironing,
laundry, house cleaning. Everything have to do alone. Sometimes, my second
daughter helps me but I refuse as I want her to study for her UPSR. By 6 am, I
must hit the road, sending my youngest to my parents for baby sitting. Then
rush back home to prepare my son for his kindy. The other two can manage themselves.
All I need to do is leave a note on the dining table on what to do. It was so
tiring that I don’t even have time for myself. I sleep at any place at home.
Sometimes on the dining table, on the living room chair, on my praying mat.
While folding. While doing laundry. I just sleep. Noon time, rush to the kindy,
drive 9km to my parents, then get my ass back to the office in an hour. A lot
of time, I skip lunch or take my lunch when the traffic light turns red. Everything
is just grab and go. Afternoon, speed to the nearest mosque for Asar prayer,
then rush to my parents, back at home and then cook dinner. Then give bath to
my baby. Do the laundry and it repeat all over again and again. I always wonder,
how many man can do that? Or how lucky for a girl to found me :P
But sometimes, everything
seems to be very easy. Feels like I have a helper behind me. I always tried to
find a motivationeer in my daily life. That’s why, sometimes, I just look a her
face, and that is just enough for me to carry on my day. If with a chance,
talking to her, it’s just like a bonus to me (very seldom happen without
eyes-ears-body try to interfere). She don’t know of my true feeling, not
feeling as a lover, but more towards to a companion, for while, to bring me out
of this reality for a while. I feel comfortable with her (yeaaa .. right. With heart
pumping very fast). I can feel the chemistry (on my part only), but that is me.
I always keep to myself my feeling apart from my Twitter posting. Better like
that than dropping the waterface on the floor.
October. Picket. Picket. Picket.
Not Phuket but picketing. Office offered me a voluntary separation scheme
(VSS). 1st offer, RM136,000 (or something). Nayyyyy. Second offer,
up by RM20K. Also nayyyy…. Cannot afford. I’m not rich. My family is not rich.
I don’t marry a rich lady. I have children to feed. I have children to school.
I have house to maintain, car to service. I’m not like the ladies in the
office. They have spouses to keep their kitchen smoked. Me? Nothing. Zero. Na’a.
This VSS seems to be a turning point for everybody. The morale. The spirit of
working is really down. The management seems trying very hard to shut our mouth
up. No!!! They can’t. We must unite to combat this discrimation. But sadly,
some, noooo….. not some, a lot of the Union members is not united. This shows
that everybody is on their own now. No one in the office will take care of your
rice bowl now. My mother was right. When you DIE for the office, your colleague
will not dig a graveyard for you. It’s your family members that will do that.
Not even one friend is willing to jump into the grave to lower your body down.
And the Union fight goes on and on.
November. A little bit
relax for me. Another injury happens. My foot got cramped in the middle of the
night and I can’t even move my leg at all for about ½ hour. My calf pulled hard
and causing my inner ligament tightens. I struggled very hard on the bed that in
the end, I collapse. No adult is around to help. I can’t walk at all that day.
Have to use the “tongkat” again.
A bit relax this month.
Congratulations to my second daughter for obtaining 1A3B1C in her UPSR exam. I
prayed for her more than my other children as she is the hardworking one in the
family. She’s not very bright, but she’s very obedient. I love her very much. I
cried for her a lot. Hope that she can take care of herself better than her
sister. Oh ya ….. I’m a GRANDFATHER now. A young DATUK. Proud? Not so. Happy?
Everything is well. I’ve been in that situation before (one day I will story that). December mission…. to lose weight. Hahahaha
….. I started exercising now, every weekend. Jogging, running for miles now.
But I think it’s more to my heart exercise, not my body as I see my body size
expand by inches daily. So wish me luck.
So in conclusion, 2013,
not a fun filling year for me. A lot of things happen. A senior citizen once
told me that, “Everything that bad happens today is because Allah wants to
punish you of your past sins NOW and not later. You do your TAUBAT. Allah will
accept it but you also must pay the price of your sins. No escape. It’s just
like, every sickness drops every sin that you do.” When I think of it, there’s
a truth in it. I asked for forgiveness of my past life sins, and HE “punished”
me now with the same thing happen in front of my eyes. ALLAHUAKBAR – Allah the
Greatest. But 1 thing that I always asked from Him is for she to “love” me is
still not answered. Maybe, just maybe, there’s a better plan for me.
..... and Manchester United is not doing very well this early season 2013-2014
That’s all for now. Adios.
p/s: she’s going to “leave” in April (refer to month of April notes). I think
I’ll still “LOVE” her as the 1st day I met her. I think. This blog
is for your eyes only, not to be discuss outside the blog. It’s a private part
of my life that I wish to have it in writing, only.
