Benci

Benci. Agak susah untuk aku membenci seseorang itu tapi disini, ingin ku luahkan satu rasa benci yang langsung tidak pernah reda malah makin membesar dan langsung tiada harapan untuk hilang.

Pada mulanya, ianya hanya satu perasaan kecewa yang amat teruk. Hati ku terasa bagai hancur berderai. Kekecewaan yang amat mendalam yang telah menyebabkan aku menjadi lemah, lumpuh dan hilang segala-gala pengharapan. Tidak pernah aku merasakan jiwa ku langsung tidak tenteram. Jiwa menjadi kosong. Fikiran buntu. Airmata telah kering. Senyuman ku hilang. Pandangan mata menjadi kuyu. Aku hilang pedoman. Setiap malam aku meratap kekecewaan ku itu dan akhirnya, ia timbul rasa benci yang amat sangat. Aku menjadi seorang yang pendiam. Aku menjadi perengus. Aku kurang bercerita. Segalanya ku pendamkan. Aku menjadi seorang yang tak peduli lagi. Segalanya ku biarkan saja.

Minat ku tinggalkan. Masa terluang ku dihabiskan dengan tidur. Aku jarang berada di khalayak ramai. Kecewaku menjadi marah. Marahku menjadi dendam. Dendam ku membuat aku menjadi benci. Benci kepada keadaan. Benci kepada diri. Benci kepada penyebabnya. Benci yang teramat sangat hinggakan berada di ruang yang sama dalam sesaat pun aku tak ingin langsung.

Akhirnya, kebencian ku ini menyebabkan aku tidak lagi peduli langsung kepada penyebabnya. Tidak ingin hati ini mengingati tentang dia. Malah, telah ku buangkan terus nama itu dalam hati dan jiwa ini. Kebencian yang aku tahu dan berharap tiada penghujungnya.

Itulah satu-satunya kepercayaan yang telah berubah menjadi perasaan benci yang teramat sangat. Hati yang telah hancur berderai walau diubati macam mana sekalipun, tetap mempunyai kesan-kesan serpihan retakannya dan aku tahu, hati ini yang telah dilukai tidak akan mahu diubati lagi. Aku lebih rela membenci selamanya. Aku lebih senang begini. Melupakan terus ianya pernah berlaku namun segalanya telah melencong perjalanan hidupku dan pasti akan menghantui masa depan ku. Memikirkan itu, bertambah-tambahlah perasaan benci ini. 

Selamanya. Adios

Mimpi

I have a dream last night. Dreaming of you. It was nice and delightful dream. It was so beautiful even after waking up, I thought it is real. You are beautiful. You are delightful.

Di saat aku pejamkan mata

Ku cuba bayangkan raut wajah mu
Doa ku agar kau hadir di dalam mimpiku
Menemani aku

Mimpi yang indah kau bersama ku
Mimpi yang ngeri kau bersama dengannya
Dan jangan dikau hampiri dia
Dia pasti membawa kau pergi

Dia dia
Mengapa dia

Semalaman ku diburu mimpi
Mimpi ngeri yang menghiris hatiku
Tapi ku tahu jauh dalam sudut hati mu
Kau tak kan tinggalkan ku

Mimpi yang indah kau bersama ku
Mimpi yang ngeri kau bersama dengannya

Dan jangan dikau hampiri dia
Dia pasti membawa kau pergi

Oh yeay

Oh ku dibuai mimpi yang indah
Dan juga mimpi ngeri
Oh oh

Mimpi yang indah kau bersama ku
Mimpi yang ngeri kau bersama dengan nya

Dan jangan dikau hampiri dia
Dia pasti membawa kau pergi

Dia (mengapa dia oh)
Dia (mengapa dia oh)
Dia mengapa dia
Mengapa dia

Adios sweet dream. 

Welcome Back to Me

I think I have wrote something about this months ago. What was my plan in September. The promise that I made 3 years ago. The promise that I must fulfilled and now it has become reality.

In 2018, to be exact, 1st May 2018, I am officially relinquished my position in my trade union post. There's a few reason I left. One of it was the wild accusation of us (me and 1 other) of giving businesses to related person in organising event to our advantage. I don't feel comfortable with this type of statement and to avoid further conflict and to proof that there was no personal gain in any event organised, it is good for me to leave. The other person follow a month later. Secondly, our event which was perfectly organised was cancelled without giving us a chance to defend it. We have planned months and sacrificed a lot of energy and time in organising it and was cancelled weeks before it kicks off with a stupid reason. This gave us a very hard time to explain to participants of the cancellation and for the refund. The way the leader treated us is just like shit. They don't even trust us in managing the event. Thirdly, the leaders trying to belittle our effort in organising another event on our own without interference from them. They even trying to sabotage and take over a perfectly planned event and it was an embarrassing moment when we have to meet the venue owner and a very heated argument arises in the meeting. I was very upset with all this as the leader is trying to take over the plan just behind my back. This upset causes a very deep impact in my view working together in the organisation.

So a month later, with a very reluctant heart, I tender my resignation. It was a very emotional moment for me but as someone who is very committed and professional, I keep contribute as much as possible in my last project until the very last day. Even, on the last day, I still carry on my duty from afar in Mecca, messaging the WhatsApp group before I announced to all that I will not be attending the event day as I am away. 

I have my peaceful pilgrimage and left every anger, disappointments, hate and sadness behind. When I came back, I am totally refreshed and have forgotten all that happened behind. I promised myself, I will buried all that at the very bottom of my heart. For couple of years, I have forgotten all that. That is why, when people asked me why I left, I just can't give a straight answer. I have to dig very deep to find it and most of the time, I can't. I've been an observer for couple of years. Members still look for me for advises and I still gave my expertise to help them. When met, a lot of request was made for me to come back but my response was, I will when it is time.

Only in September 2020, I started to prepare my come back but I told myself  to give me 3 years to get ready. I am very happy that during these 3 years, a lot of new and young faces has step up to take the challenge. The spirit in 2 or 3 person gives me hope of the future. But these young generation needs guidance and help. I am afraid that they can't tolerate with harshness of the leaders. I keep reminding the leaders not to "kill" their curiosity. Just guide them the proper way. Nurture them properly as these are the backup of all the seniors. We need them. Please support them on whatever their ideas. For me, there is no stupid idea. All we need is how to turn the ideas into a proper executed plan.

That's why, I decided to come back. I don't want to become a leader that belittle the committees. If they have a proposal, look into it and praise them for the effort. The job is to see whether the proposal can be executed according to the rules and regulations. If cannot, explain properly to them. Let they think of another way to make it work. There's one person I found very passionate in learning more. When I see her, she reminds me of myself. Very eager, bold and full of reckless speeches. I told myself, that is me at age 30's. My specialty is looking into small tiny flaw. Even if there's a typo, I can easily detect it. The only weakness of me in this area is, I like to do things last minute. It gave me more focus. Less distraction. Unfortunately, she recently diagnosed with a sickness. I really hope for her to stay if she wants. There's a lot more I want to teach her.

Now, officially, I am back with highet post and higher responsibilities. Honestly, I am very nervous about it. My anxiety has increase rapidly since then. I still can't see myself standing in public eyes. I also very worry of how to carry myself in gatherings with external parties. I'm not used to it. One thing is, I am a person that is hard to smile. Always with my ignorance and serious face. But, for those who knows me very well, that face is a very approachable face. Even how serious I look like, anyone can approach me and I will response positively. That's me. Now, I'm in a learning process to look friendly and learning my public relation. Speeches, voice tone, SMILE, knowledgeable in a lot of topics etc. Not easy but with time and exposure, I really hope I can do it.

Welcome back to Me...... Adios

I am almost got seduced

As the title said, I am almost seduced by a girl whisper. It was the most tough test for me. With her nice smile, beautiful face, a body of a man's dream, sexy hair and perfectly size boob. The test that I never faced before. And seriously, with her seducing voice, I almost drink an alcohol that night. It was milimeter to touch my lips. If one more word comes out from her lips, I believed I will fall into my inner devil. 

But, I am glad. My faith is one step higher than I thought. During that moment, I keep on thinking how Allah have help me all this while. With the black magic protection, with monetary issues, with health issue, with faith issue and many more. How I survived from my sins life before to what I am now. How can I betray Him? The devil never helped me when I am down. When I kneeled to the earth, no one helped me get up. Only Allah answers my prayer. My saviour. Then I remember a story of how prophet Adam as. and Eve was seduced by satan to eat the fruit from the prohibited tree and also how they asked for forgiveness and repentance from Allah and since the sin of Adam as. stemmed from desire, and not from arrogance, his repentance was accepted. This is when I was and seriously thinking of sipping the drink and almost did as I thought I can asked for forgiveness from Allah. If she just say another word, I'll drink it. Then some thought stops me. I should have done it hours before and if I do it now, it is a loss for me because it is only a small glass.

I'm glad that my faith is still sane and I managed to avoid this big sin. I took a very deep breath, close my eyes and said to myself, I don't need this. I still can enjoy without alcohol and so did I. With the help of some  chemical substances mixer which supposed to be taken before sleep, I got my head a little bit high until someone thought that I am drunk. I think I am high but not drunk which is enough to get me a little bit dizzy looking. The kick is very slow but the effect can last very long for hours. Luckily, I have a friend that I can pushed the drink to and she help drinking on my behalf. 

I'm very glad I can avoid this but the temptation of the womens body really played a high desire feeling in my mind. I am weak in this part and I knew that I just have to lower my gaze and I'll be fine. I did it but..... there's another women who do make me weak in this sector. I just can't help it. 

*sigh..... Adios

My Passion

I have always wanted to be a writer. I like to write like now and then. I write whatever crosses my mind especially about my feeling towards life. Whether it is a short writing or even a very long writing. When I was still schooling, I used to write a short story. Love stories is the most. Even, I ever have my writing published in a magazine once. I can't recall the name of the magazine but it was an educational magazine. Writing about life in a village. I

can't remember where I keep the copy and now it missing as our family moved around.

Now, I feel like I want to pursue my passion again. I should have time for it now. The only thing I need is the ideas and an aspiration. Ideas do come and go. Sometimes it just flow like a running river during thunderstorm and sometimes it is just a fraction of things happens around me. During driving to work. During my routine workout in the morning. When I am sitting alone in the park. When I feeling relax drinking just a cup of coffee. It just come and go. When this happens, it feels wasted when it was not documented. Some writer voice recording their ideas. Wanted to do that too but it doesn't feel like my style. I like to penned down my writing. The expression is more genuine than writing down again what you have recorded. And I don't like to hear my own voice. It is out of narrating tone.

That's is why, maybe sometimes I like to write a blog like this one. I can documented what I feel now and the expression is more genuine. Right from my heart. When I blog, I feel like I am in my own world. Whatever happens surround me really can't take me back to reality. I can sit alone without worrying being weird. Accompany by a great music can really boost my ideas. I can't really do this at home as everytime I am at home, I don't even have a me time. There's always something to be done at home. I can't squeeze any writing ideas at home. I don't know why. It is just not right to have a me time at home. Ever do I fly to Sabah for a day trip in the morning and back at night just to have my me time, to find my soul. Don't know whether it is kind of stupid action or a good move but I do feel the satisfaction after doing it. Children nowadays call it healing. 

Writing actually is not that easy. It always requires a writer to be out of this world. To have a sentimental feeling of things around you. Listen to people and understand to their life experience, stories, sadness and et setera. One writer I like is JK Rowlings. Her life story is very interesting and her writing is always out of this world. She can express the fantasy in the brain into writings that others can visualized it. It is very impressive. Even her writing can be transcript into a movie. Amazing. One other writer that I like is Datuk A Samad Said. His books is really full of aspiration and very impressing. His book Salina really brings the reader into the life after World War II. How a young girl struggle to continue live after the war. Langit Petang is really impressive when he can combined three charaters into 1 book. I don't think I can write like them and I don't expect people to read my writing. It is enough just for me to fulfil my passion. It is just enough if I love it. I won't expect people to read it and like it. 

It is just for me to heal my life that I have ruined years ago. I don't expect the closes person to me to understand me. I'm not a very vocal person and I'm not good in expressing my feeling by talking. I like to express it in writing. I am good at it. At least, in writing, people will read until the end as they will know that there's an ending in my heart expression. If I do it in talking, I don't like it when people interrupted me while I am talking as if they are not interested in my feeling. Sometimes, when interruption happens, I just stop talking and my story will just ends there. Do not expect me to continue it. I will let my story hang there without any ending. That is my style. If you are not interested with it, why should I continue to it. 

So, I have more things to write and I knew it but I think

that is enough for tonight. My heart feels a little bit lighter already now and it is the sign that my ideas is running low. Anyway, this town really brings back the memory of the beginning of my adult life. I always call it home as this is where I was born and where I starts my adult life. And sometimes, I just get fed-up with it but sometimes, I missed it. And I hate it but I love it. It should be Welcome Home or Welcome Back. 

I just don't know...... Adios. 

60 Tahun Sarawak Maju Makmur

Make Me Believe

When I was in Form 1, I was given by someone an empty pocket size phone list issued by Hongkong and Shanghai Banking Corporation. I used to keep a list of my friends phone numbers, my father's office number, my relatives numbers and many known people numbers. I always keep it in my wallet. I still remember how it looks like, a folded type. Small and easy to carry around. The phone list stays with me until my university years and few years later. I can't remember when I lost it. Little that I knew at that time, my fate ia going to be with the same organisation until today. 29 years ago, I received a phone call from the bank, calling for an interview. The interview consist of a aptitude exam and face to face interview. I don't even have any clue how's the interview will be. I've been attending a few interviews before. The first one was for the university admission. The second was for my scholarship. Both I managed to nail it. The third one was with an oil and gas company, also I nailed it. The forth was with the air force, got the enrollment but I rejected it. So this ia my fifth. I wasn't expected any surprises in this interview as I feel very normal and being myself and honest with my answer. Even when the interviewer ask of my expected salary, I gave them a very low figure making them asking why I put down that figure in my answer but I also nailed it. I landed into the job.

I remember the day I was asked to go for medical check up before reporting for duty. I rode my father's motorbike to a clinic in Padungan. After completing the check up, on the way home, I got a flat tyre just in front of MBKS swimming pool. I have to push my bike to the nearest workshop but without money in my pocket, I have to walk all the way to Satok to withdraw from Bank Bumiputra. During that time, there's no such thing as MEPS system. No handphone. No where to get help. Then I have to walk back to Padungan to fix my tyre. Such a tragedy.

1st day at work, I always thought banking is all about counting money. It is not. There's many more things that banking line will provide. There's administration job, lending job, cheque processing job, import export, customer services, even office assistant job. Not all about physical cash note. The job assigned to me was correspondence job. Which means, I am handling letters in and out and also telephone operator. To say it is not important is very understatement. Mails are very essential to banking during that time. Most of the communication in the 90's is via mail and telephone. If it involve international communication, telex was used.

I worked in the correspondence section, part of administration department, for almost 2 years. Then I moved to operations department, various sections from cheques, cash to telegraphic transfer, time deposits, controls, account opening and many more. Then I venture upward into sales, backrooms and until now, customer service.

29 years is not a short period of time. The confident level must be very high as everyday is a new day. I have went through so many ups and downs in the journey and it is sad if I have to leave it now. So, I stay. At my age, what more do I want in life and what more can I do? I have everything. House, vehicles, family, children. There no more desire to climb the ladder. Just let it be. I am happy with my life now. No stress. No pressure. No burden.

Just live life free. Adios

My life after 50

I've been thinking a lot of what to blog this month. There's a lot of ideas and there's so many thing to say, so I decided to write something how its feel at the age of 50. Twenty or thirty years ago, I would say that age 50 is old. Grey hair. Wrinkle face. Walking stick and so on. In reality, age 50 is totally far from reaching that stage.

The 1st day of my 50, that's my birthday, I fall sick. Flu. Fever. Coughing. Thought that I strike Covid-19 for the 2nd time. After getting doctor's consultation, it is just a common flu due to allergies. So, no celebration this year, same as any other year before. I never do celebrate my birthdays. It is always just another ordinary day for me. Going to work as usual. Preparing my dinner and eating alone. Went to sleep early due to my sickness.

Reaching this age gave me a lot to think of things that I didn't do at my younger age. I am so busy catching up with life, economy, status, family and building a strong foundation for a better future. By the time I am ready, I missed a lot of life events. Activities that I could have done when my body is stronger is all in the past now. Looking back, I myself knew most of the thing that I missed was because of money. I am always worried that I don't have enough money until the next payday. I am always worried I can't provide food on the table for the family. I am always worried that I have to borrow. As for the worry, I have to sacrifies a lot of my desire which apparently not very important at that time. Now that I have passed that stage, I am still worry of do I have enough until the day I die? Worry of something that not yet happening obviously didn't help much in reaching the life you want. I realised this when I reached at this age. Did I make my life better now because of my worry in the past? No. Did I save enough to earn my future life better? No. Did the past lifestyle make your life better now? No. Why not? It is because I don't live in the past. I don't live in the future. I live in the present. The present is much more important as it is happening now. The present does matter. If you don't live the present life, you will end up regretting things that you don't do, now.

That is why, when I see young generation is doing things now, I don't feel a thing. No envy. No comment. No advise. For me, if they want to do it now, just do it. No need to ask for blessing. Just do it for you will regret it if don't do it. You want to travel? You want to become entrepreneur? You want to switch jobs? You want to climb? You want to get married? You want to study? You want to play sports? Just do it. Will it be a good decision? Will it be a disaster? You'll never know until you experience it yourself. If it is bad, learn from it. If it is good, make it better.

For me, to make myself feel peace, I will always said, been there, done that so that I can move on with my life without looking back at the past.

Some might not agree with all this and that is just an opinion. Like I said, been there, done that. I like to move on with life now, the PRESENT. 

Adios

Half a Century of Existence

Today marks my 50th birthday in millennial calendar. Half of century. Alhamdulillah. Amazing. I never imagine of the existence of today. Never do I anticipate of it but here it is. I don't think I am ready for it. Last time, when I heard someone reach 50 years old, I will whisper, wow, that is old. Now I am here but I doesn't feel old yet. That is what the heart said or maybe feel. But lately, my body said otherwise. I maybe look tough and strong but I can't lie to my body. The pain and soreness is here and there. Easily get tired. Easily falling asleep. Lack of awareness. Forgetful. Deterioration of sight. Slow reflect. Easily distracted. Joint soreness and many more indicates the aging of my body. I maybe look fit. Still can run for miles. Still can go hiking. Still can climb here and there but that is just for few hours. After the intense workout, I will feel tired easily and will take a long time to recover. Most of the exercise I did was just for the health of my heart and my lung. As long as both stays strong, I will feel confident to live on. I don't want to invite sickness to myself. For the record, it has been years I don't contracted any sickness except in December where Covid19 strikes me.

In term of achievement, I live the life I am comfortable with. Not wealthy but enough. Still struggling with my worship to the Almighty duties. Doing my best to perform my 5 times daily prayers. Trying my best to avoid sinful activities. Focus on myself and forget about what the world have to offer and remember death all the time. I need more supply of the hereafter. I know I have so little. Time is the enemy now. I just can't keep up with it. My head just can't focus as it use to. That is why, sometimes I get annoyed when someone can't make the decision on their own and still need some opinion and help. I don't have that luxury anymore to keep on helping people because sometimes, I just can't remember things. Now I know how elders feel.

It is time for me to seriously focus on myself. I have no time for trivial things. I think, this is why, a lot of people retired at this age. Is it time for me to retire? Maybe. I have thought of it a lot of times. With the heavy burden of my job now, with daily non-stop stupid customers problem, I just get tired of helping non-stop peoples problem. I never understand why everyday there are people who like to create problem to themselves. Can't they help themselve first before involve others into it? Morons.

Anyway, I just want to live peacefully in the years to come. Focus in my worship. Iqra. Family life. Finances freedom. Stay away from the world problem.

Happy 50th birthday to me.

Adios. 

Percayalah..... ketentuan Allah

Allah knows what is the best for you but do you know what is the best for you? Kadangkala, kita sentiasa mengharapkan yang terbaik berlaku dalam hidup kita. Adakalanya, ia berlaku. Adakalanya, ia tidak berlaku. Pasti kita bertanya, kenapa ya? Jawapannya pasti ada tapi selalunya, kita tidak mahu tahu kebenarannya. Salah kita kah ataupun memang takdir kita. Kalau memang sudah tertulis Qada' dan Qadar kita, kenapa kita perlu berusaha? Kenapa kita tidak membiarkan saja hidup kita berjalan mengikut ketentuan Allah? Kenapa kita perlu berusaha kearah kehendak kita yang mungkin tidak berjaya atau sebaliknya.

The first place to visit before others when reached Madinah, maqam Rasullallah 

Sebenarnya, semua itu sudah terletak disanubari kita. Cuma kita yang tidak tahu macam mana nak mencarinya didalam diri sendiri. Apa itu yang mesti kita cari?

Faith ataupun percaya ataupun keyakinan. Itulah yang mesti kita cari. Bila adanya keyakinan dan percaya pada diri sendiri, kita pasti akan melakukannya bersungguh-sungguh. Tiada apa yang mampu menghalang kita untuk mencapai impian kita. Kita akan mencari jalan waima banyak halangan yang tiba.

Aku dulu pernah hilang keyakinan terhadap Qada' dan Qadar. Bayangkan, rukun iman yang penting tiada dalam hati sanubari lagi. Ya, memang hidup terasa seperti bebas sangat. Bisa melakukan apa saja yang dimahu. Tidak mengikut lunas tuntutan agama. Sungguh ringan terasa falsafah hidup tanpa pegangan. Tapi, segalanya kosong. Rezeki tidak berkat. Hidup tidak sempurna. Ada saja masalah yang datang satu persatu. Setiap perbuatan yang dilakukan, pasti tiada pengakhiran yang indah. Agak lama juga aku mengambil masa untuk kembali ke pangkal jalan. Namun, Allah tidak melupakan kita. Dia tetap ada didalam hati dan sesaat saja kita tersentak dengan hidayahnya, kita pasti akan jatuh tersujud menangis. Masih teringat lagi saat aku sujud kembali setelah sekian lama meninggalkan solat, aku teresak-esak dalam sujudku tanpa sebab. Rasa kekesalan yang amat berat menyelubungi keseluruh tubuh badan. Rasa kesedihan mengenang tingkah laku selama ini yang sia-sia menebal hingga tidak mampu untuk lidah melafazkan ayat-ayat kemaafan. Hanya hati yang bisa berbicara memohon keampunan dari Illahi.

Tiada apa yang dapat menghalang hidayah Allah. Allahuakbar. ALLAH maha besar. Allah maha mendengar. Allah maha mengetahui. Percaya dan yakin terhadap Allah adalah kunci untuk kita bersujud kepadaNya setiap hari. Tidak kira apa saja pekerjaan yang sedang kita lakukan, sujud kepadaNya bila tiba waktu. Dia akan memberi kekuatan kepada kita untuk teruskan hidup ini hingga sampai waktu dan ketikanya, Dia tentukan kesudahan kita. Yakin yang kita sudah melakukan yang terbaik untuk diri kita. Jangan cuma merasa ibadat kita sudah cukup tapi yakin yang kita cuba mencukupi ibadah kita. Cari dan cari lagi apa kekurangan dan terus memperbaiki ibadah kita dan akan tiba satu masa, kita akan merasakan satu ketenangan dan kepuasan yang mutlak walaupun ianya bukan perancangan kita. Namun, kerana keyakinan dan percaya bahawasanya Allah maha perancang dan segalanya adalah ketentuan Allah, kita masih boleh tersenyum dengan apa saja yang dihadapan kita.

InsyaAllah.

Adios. 

Feeling Sad, a hug is all I need

Lately, I always feel very sad for nothing. Tak tahulah kenapa. There's must be something that I do that make me sad. Atau sesuatu yang sepatutnya aku lakukan dan tidak aku lakulan. Maybe I just feel a little bit down. Maklumlah, dah lebih dari 5 bulan, aku tak ada mengambil cuti rehat yang panjang. Maybe the office work stress has made me feeling this way. Tak tahu lah dimana puncanya. And thinking about this already makes me sad. Aku rasa, sebenarnya aku marah kerana rasa nak berteriak amat kuat di sanubariku. Feel like want to scream my lung out loud. Ada juga aku mohon ketenangan jiwa dan raga dariNya dalam doaku namun tiada jawapan yang konkrit buat masa ini. There's few nights that I woke up in the middle of the night and I'm pretty sure that is Him woken me up for me to find out my answer but I didn't answer the call. Aku takut kelak jawapannya adalah bukan yang aku cari. 

Am I missing someone that made me sad?

Adakah kesalahan yang aku lakukan yang membuat aku sedih?

Did I failed to fulfill my duty that made me sad?

Adakah aku gagal menunaikan janji ku pada seseorang?

Is my plan failed?

Gagalkah aku dalam menunaikan tanggungjawab Islam ku?

Everything crosses my mind. Tapi sampai sekarang, aku masih gagal mencari jawapannya. Should I talk to someone about this? Atau aku pendamkan saja sampai ianya hilang. For sure, at this particular moment while writing this, I just need a good long and tight hug. I missed her.

Adios. 

Kisah Sehelai Jubah

Dulu, aku pernah mengidamkan sehelai jubah dari Tanah Haram. Pasti ada yang bertanya, apa bezanya dengan jubah dari mana-mana tempat? Ia kan hanya sehelai jubah. Lagipun, jubah yang dijual di Tanah Haram pastinya buatan negara luar. "Made in Egypt" "Made in India" ataupun "Made in Indonesia". Tidak pernah pun aku terjumpa jubah yang "Made in Saudi Arabia". Tapi mengapa aku mengidamkan sehelai jubah dari Tanah Haram?

Kisahnya lama dulu dah. Mungkin lebih 20 tahun dulu. Ketika kedua ibubapa ku pergi mengerjakan haji. Biasalah, sekembalinya mereka dari haji, sudah pasti ada ole-ole yang dibawa balik untuk dihadiahkan kepada anak-anak dan sanak saudara. Aku, ketika itu tidaklah berharap sangat dengan apa-apa ole-ole mereka. Cukuplah seteguk air zam-zam dan beberapa biji kurma. Apa saja mereka bagi, aku terima sebab aku tahu, satu sen wang saku pun aku tak ada bagi kat mereka sewaktu mereka berangkat. Maklumlah, ketika itu gaji aku cuma cukup-cukup untuk belanja keluarga kecilku. Nak dijadikan cerita, malam tu, kami sekeluarga membuat majlis kesyukuran. Ramailah saudara mara hadir. Selesai saja majlis dan yang tinggal hanyalah beberapa kaum kerabat yang tinggal berdekatan. Memandangkan malam masih awal, maka dikeluarkanlah segala macam ole-ole yang ibu ku beli semasa di sana. Maka berebutlah adik kakak menyambar segala yang ada. Aku hanya bersandar di dinding sambil melihat gelagat mereka. Seronok juga melihat mereka berbagi-bagi "habuan" mereka. Dalam masa itu, ibu ku menghulurkan aku satu bungkusan jubah, seutas tasbih dan sekeping kopiah. Aku rasa agak terharu sebab ada juga hadiah untuk aku. Jubah itulah satu-satunya jubah yang pernah aku ada ketika itu. Cukup bermakna bagi ku. Namun, setelah bertahun-tahun menggunakan nya, jubah tersebut telah lusuh dah koyak. Malahan, sudah tidak muat lagi ke tubuhku akibat "pembesaran" perut dan bahu. Gemuk lah tu. Dan setelah itu, tiada lagi aku memiliki apa-apa jenis jubah pun. Walau ramai saudara mara, adik kakak yang berkunjung ke tanah haram, tiada yang kembali menghadiahkan aku jubah dari Tanah Haram.

Aku nekad. Satu hari nanti, aku sendiri yang akan membelikan hadiah jubah untuk diriku namun apakan daya. Panggilan untuk aku belum sampai. Walau macam mana sekalipun aku berusaha mengumpul wang untuk ke Tanah Suci, aku tetap tidak tercapai jumlah yang diperlukan. Kekadang, aku hairan, kemana menghilangnya segala wang simpanan aku. Namun aku redha kerana segalanya pasti kehendakNya. Sampailah satu hari, aku terbaca ataupun terdengar satu ucapan yang sampai sekarang aku ingat. "Bersedekah lah kerana Allah akan melipat gandakan rezeki kita bila kita bersedekah". Aku terfikir, selama ini memang aku susah nak bersedekah. Kalau adapun, yang paling minimum. Sejak dari itu, aku mencuba bersedekah walaupun paling sedikit dengan niat ikhlas kerana Allah Taala. Tapi, masih juga keadaanku tidak berubah. Rezeki semakin berat. Aku cuba mencari dimana silapnya sampailah pada satu hari, selesai solat Jumaat di Masjid Bahagian, aku bergerak ke satu gerai untuk makan tengahari. Seperti biasa, aku akan memeriksa beg duit ku samaada cukup wang atau tidak kerana kadang-kadang, aku terlupa nak keluarkan wang dari akaun sebab mengejar waktu. Bila saja membuka beg duit, yang ada cuma 2 ringgit. Aku batalkan niat nak makan tengahari kat gerai dan balik ke motosikal ku untuk ke mesin ATM terdekat. Sewaktu aku naik ke atas motosikal, tiba-tiba ada seorang budak remaja menghampiri aku dan meminta sedekah. Katanya nak gunting rambut tapi tak cukup wang. Aku pun hulurlah duit 2 ringgit yang aku ada tadi. Sebaik saja aku memakai helmet di kepala, aku lihat budak tadi dah tak ada. Aku lihat disekeling perkarangan masjid, langsung tidak kelihatan budak tersebut. Yang ada, hanya beberapa jemaah yang masih berbual-bual di tangga dan beberapa orang pengawal keselamatan. Aku tinjau lagi ke pagar masjid pun tidak ada budak tadi. Aku hairan tapi disebabkan masa mencemburui, aku segera bergerak ke Satok untuk mencari mesin ATM. Sampai saja ke mesin ATM, aku keluarkan kad ATM dari beg duit aku. Alangkah terkejutnya aku, dalam beg duit aku, masih ada wang kertas 20 ringgit sedangkan aku pasti tadi cuma ada 2 ringgit. Aku musykil dan sampai ke hari ini, aku masih tidak pasti adakah ini benar-benar berlaku atau permainan pemikiran aku.

Sejak itulah, aku percaya akan kuasa sedekah. Bukan hanya sekadar menghulur sedekah tapi bila tangan kanan menghulur, tangan kiri pun tidak sedar. Itulah dalam maknanya sedekah yang ikhlas. Tidak dibangkitkan dan tidak dikenang kembali. Apa kaitannya dengan jubah? Kerana sehelai jubahlah, aku mencari erti ikhlas memberi. Selama bekerja, aku tak pernah keluarkan zakat pendapatan. Sebab itulah, selama itu juga, aku terasa seperti amat sempit rezekiku. Bila aku fahami erti "perbersihan" rezeki, aku mulai mengeluarkan zakat untuk pendapatanku. Potongan bulanan melalui slip gaji amat bermakna sebab bila tangan kanan menghulur, tangan kiri pun tak sedar. Sejak membayar zakat pendapatan, aku dapati, rezeki ku ringan. Mudah aku mengumpul wang untuk kecemasan ataupun untuk apa-apa saja keinginan ku. Dan aku pasti, kerana inilah juga, Allah membuka ruang dan peluang untuk aku berUmrah. Bayangkan, 20 tahun bekerja, baru dapat mencari keredhaan Allah dan dapat membeli sendiri, jubah dari Tanah Haram tanpa mengharapkan hadiah dari sanak saudara. Bahagianya, hanya aku sendiri yang rasa. Bahagianya bila dapat berdoa betul-betul dihadapan Multazam.

Hingga kini, aku masih memasang niat yang aku akan terus bersedekah tanpa rasa rugi dan riak. Aku akan memberi bila diminta tanpa banyak bicara. Bila ada kawan yang memohon pertolongan dari segi wang ringgit, akan aku tolong semampu yang dapat tanpa banyak soal jawab. Pernah seorang kawan yang dulu sama-sama susah datang meminjam wang hampir setiap bulan, akan aku hulurkan tanpa ragu dan tidak sekalipun aku pernah menagih hutang tersebut kerana aku tahu, dia akan membayarnya bila dia agak senang. Sampai sekarang, masih ada lagi baki 100 ringgit yang dia terlebih bayar kepada aku yang dia tak nak terima. Katanya, sebab aku banyak tolong dia dulu. Katanya, itulah sahabat. Dan jika aku berjanji, aku pasti akan tepati walaupun lambat. Sebab itulah, bila saja aku rasa rezekiku berat, aku tahu bahawasanya aku kurang bersedekah. Jika tidak mampu dengan wang ringgit, sedekah lah dengan kudrat. Jika kudrat tak berdaya, sedekah lah dengan lisan. Jika lisan pun tak terdaya, bersedekahlah dengan hati yang ikhlas. Ada satu amalan yang sampai kini aku masih agak berat untuk lakukan iaitu sedekah dengan sendi-sendi tubuh badan iaitu sedekah Dhuha. Terlalu banyak artikel-artikel dan ceramah-ceramah agama yang membicarakan tentang sedekah Dhuha dan semenangnya solat sunat Dhuha agak berat dilakukan bagi yang sentiasa mengejar duniawi. Memang aku akui bahawasanya solat sunat Dhuha amat kuat kesannya kerana aku pernah mendapat manafaat dariNya.

Sememangnya hanya kerana keinginan memiliki sehelai jubah, segalanya meninggalkan kesan yang amat mendalam terhadap perspektifku melihat dunia. Bila saja ada yang meminta, pasti aku akan berusaha untuk memberi kerana aku tahu, sebahagian dari rezekiku, ada rezeki orang lain di dalamnya dan aku wajib mengeluarkannya untuk membersihkan hati, jiwa dan rezekiku. Tidak tidur lena jika hati ini masih mengenang nasib yang meminta jika tidak ditolong. Bukan riak dan bukan mencari kemahsyuran. Hanya sekadar mencari secebis keredhaan Ilahi dan moga tangan kanan ini terus memberi tanpa diketahui oleh tangan kiri.

Adios. 

Nukilan @ 3am

Tak tahulah kenapa. Tapi sejak seminggu ini, aku asyik terbangun seawal jam 3 pagi. Mungkin terlalu banyak yang aku fikirkan atau mungkin ada perkara yang berlaku yang menyebabkan aku asyik memikirkannya. Apa yang aku perasan, seminggu ini aku asyik memikirkan satu perkara. Should I come back? Come back for what? Apa perkara yang terlalu mengganggu fikiranku?

Seminggu yang lalu, aku menghadiri satu majlis tandatangan perjanjian kolektif kesatuan pekerja. Usai saja majlis tersebut, seperti biasa, aku berjumpalah beberapa geng-geng lama untuk bertanya khabar dan mengetahui perkembangan terkini. Nak diceritakan, aku pernah menjadi ahli jawatankuasa kesatuan namun telah meletakkan jawatan atas sebab tanggungjawab peribadi yang agak sensitif. Dalam tahun 2018, aku berniat untuk mengerjakan umrah. Perancangan untuk mengerjakan umrah telah lama aku rancang. Malah sejak tahun 2016 lagi namun agak tertunda sebab faktor kewangan yang agak ketat.

Dalam tahun 2018 itulah, aku merasakan pandanganku agak jelas dan perjalanan untuk melakukan umrah lebih nyata dan aku telah menetapkan tarikh dan ketika yang sesuai untuk pergi. Cuti-cutiku telah dikumpul sejak 2016 lagi dan niat telah ku kotakan. Namun, dalam tahun itu jugalah, ketika dalam Bengkel Pengurusan kesatuan pada tahun tersebut, telah diusulkan untuk membuat satu aktiviti besar yang memerlukan banyak tenaga dan kerja pada tarikh yang sama perjalanan umrah ku. Aku agak serba salah kerana aku telah terlibat sejak dari hari pertama usul membuat aktiviti tersebut telah dirancang. Namun Allah maha perancang. Aku memohon kepada Allah untuk memberi petunjuk kepadaku cara untuk menyelesaikan percanggahan jadual ku. Beberapa kali, ketika solat Tahajud, aku meminta untuk petunjuk. Akhirnya, aku nekad untuk meletakkan jawatan ku sebagai ahli jawatankuasa dengan niat agar ketua ku dan ahli-ahli yang lain dilepaskan dari masalah menjawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan kenapa aku tidak hadir ketika aktiviti tersebut berlangsung nanti sebab aku tahu, mereka sudah cukup tertekan dengan sikap pemimpin kesatuan. In other word, disclaimer. Namun, aku tetap membantu sehingga hari terakhir aku untuk menjayakan aktiviti tersebut. Alhamdullilah, segalanya berjalan dengan jayanya walau aku pasti, ada berlaku kekecohan sana dan sini seperti biasa.

Kini, setelah 5 tahun meninggalkan tanggungjawab didalam kesatuan, aku telah diundang kembali oleh pemimpin kesatuan. Malah, undangan tersebut telah berlaku beberapa minggu lebih awal ketika aku menerima panggilan telefon dari Nur Azalia seawal jam 7 pagi. Aku ingatkan dia nak ajak aku sarapan 😋 (macamlah ia akan berlaku). Namun tunda dulu keputusan sebab ada beberapa perkara yang aku perlu uruskan dulu sebelum memberi keputusan. Pada tahun 2020, di dalam perjalanan ke Lundu untuk mesyuarat delegasi, ketika menaiki feri, aku telah secara tidak berniat, telah berjanji dengan pemimpin kesatuan yang aku akan kembali dalam masa 3 tahun dalam perbualan kami. Biar aku selesaikan urusan keluargaku dulu. Urusan keluarga yang aku maksudkan adalah urusan pengajian anak-anakku.

Begini, kesatuan ada satu perjumpaan mingguan iaitu mesyuarat sekretariat pada setiap malam Selasa. Aku pula, setiap Isnin hingga Rabu, terpaksa menghantar anak-anakku untuk kelas-kelas pengajian mereka. Pertindihan jadual tersebut menyebabkan aku agak dilema untuk kembali kepada kesatuan. Bagiku, pengajian anak-anakku lebih utama. Maka, aku, tidaklah berjanji, tapi akan mempertimbangkan semula hasrat untuk kembali setelah 3 tahun. Dan kini, 3 tahun telah berlalu. Aku masih belum menjumpai formula menang-menang. Mungkin itulah yang menyebabkan aku tidak lena tidur sekarang. Secara otomatik, mataku akan tersedar pukul 3 pagi walaupun aku masuk tidur dalam pukul 12-1 pagi. Tahajud telah ku lakukan untuk meminta petunjuk. Beberapa tanda-tanda telah berlaku contohnya, pusat pengajian anak-anakku telah mengubah jadual mereka kepada setiap malam Rabu hingga Jumaat. Bermakna, malam Selasa aku bebas. Kerja-kerja di pejabat makin menekankan dengan sikap-sikap rakan sekerja yang tidak sekepala. Hasrat untuk naik pangkat telah lama aku kuburkan setelah pihak pengurusan nampaknya tidak berpihak kepada anak-anak tempatan apatah lagi anak bumiputra. Namun, aku tidak kecil hati. Aku tahu tahap akademik ku agak rendah dan pengalaman berkhidmat selama 29 tahun belum menjamin kebolehanku untuk mengurus. Aku tak kesah sangat malah aku tahu, Allah adala sebaik-baik perancang. Dia akan memberi apa yang aku perlukan bila tiba masa dan ketika yang sesuai. Dia tahu yang terbaik.

Kini, aku ada peluang untuk bergerak ke hadapan. Aku mungkin telah bersedia atau tidak. Aku mungkin boleh lakukannya atau tidak. Adakah jalan tersebut telah dibuka oleh Allah untukku? Adakah aku mampu? Aku agak selesa dengan hidupku kini. Tiada apa-apa kerisauan. Bangun subuh. Pergi bersenam. Pergi kerja. Balik kerja. Berehat. Tidur. Sungguh tenang dan bahagia. Sanggupkah aku melepaskan segala ketenangan ini demi masalah-masalah manusia yang lain? Mungkin Allah hendak memberiku pahala untuk aku berkhidmat membantu orang lain yang dalam kesusahan?

Mungkin, dengan niat yang ikhlas untuk membantu seperti mana ketika mula-mula dulu, aku akan mendapat kekuatan dan semangat semula. Insya-Allah.

Mungkin......... 

Adios

6.30am

Welcome Twenty²Three by Supardi

Blogging...... I've been blogging for how long? I think for almost 15 years, maybe. Ever since I had my 1st digital camera, that is some Kodak brand that I won in bidding in Lelong.com website. At first, I only posted photos that I took, with an impression that, a picture speaks a thousand words. It's true, sometimes. Only when you took a very good photo. I remember my 1st digital photo posted online.

 

The photo of my son in his early years. I like the catchlight (the photographer's word describing the light reflection in the eyes). It makes the photo alive. These was the 1st photo I posted online, in Canon dedicated website if I not mistaken. I have lost my access to the site. There's another photo which I kept somewhere in the cloud, also a photo of my youngest son. That photo is the cause of me buying my 1st DSLR Canon 450D. The price was way above my payslip but my determination to own one DSLR makes me work harder to save more.

Then I started practising taking photos. I read a lot of photography magazines, journals, online photography site. I joined a lot of photography pages. Enrolled in paid photography courses. Everything and everywhere is photo, photo, photo. From microphotography to as big as the moon. 

(my early days on street photography) 

I still have my flickr account. Do check it out at https://flickr.com/photos/35031944@N05. I do occasionally updates the photos there. Some of my photos also have thousands of likes especially my travel photography which I upload at my Google Maps.

https://maps.app.goo.gl/F2DrR9RUEk6suJxr8.

Everywhere I travel, I love to take photos. Only nowadays, I am more to creating memories in my heart rather than in my eyes. Last time, a forgot to enjoy the views, the scenes, the places, the people and now I really missed it. That is why, I always put away my phone whenever I am on a trip. I want to feel the excitement, the serenity, the beauty of the place, people, culture. I may take 1 or 2 photos but for sure, that photo will tell a thousand stories.

I still love photography. My only problem now, my eyes can't focus sharply anymore. There's a small smudge inside my right eye lens just behind my pupil. Very small and almost unnoticeable but occasionally, it do hit the right angle and can cause dizziness, blurry and uncomfortable feeling. That is why, I seldom bring along my heavy DSLR gears around anymore. 

This year, I'm planning to look more seriously in my photography hobby. I might need a new camera preferably a mirrorless camera. At least, I don't need my right eye to peep into the viewfinder. Yes. I think this is what I want. And new laptop. 

Adios...... love you N A