Surat Ku Untuk Mu

"Dear you,

I've been trying to compose something meaningful and beautiful for the past few days. It is not as easy as I thought. There are words that I thought off but when I sit in front of this keyboard, I just can't express it with emotion. Maybe the lyric "Surat Cinta Untuk Starla" can give me some ideas of what I can write about. What do I expect? 30 years together in just one writing doesn't seems to be fair. Even we do have our differences, argument, moment of silence, we still can tolerate each other. It was not an easy life for us. We started with zero knowledge of everything. Money, home, family. We never plan anything. We just play by ear of everything. It was a chaos in the beginning. Don't even know how to live together. Always seems there's no future at all but we committed that we can do it. 

Ku tuliskan kenangan tentang
Caraku menemukan dirimu
Tentang apa yang membuatku mudah
Berikan hatiku padamu
'Takkan habis sejuta lagu
Untuk menceritakan cantikmu
'Kan teramat panjang puisi
'Tuk menyuratkan cinta ini

Telah habis sudah cinta ini
'Tak lagi tersisa untuk dunia
Karena telah 'ku habiskan
Sisa cintaku hanya untukmu

Aku pernah berpikir tentang
Hidupku tanpa ada dirimu
Dapatkah lebih indah dari
Yang 'ku jalani sampai kini
Aku selalu bermimpi tentang
Indah hari tua bersamamu
Tetap cantik rambut panjangmu
Meskipun nanti tak hitam lagi

Now that we are not really together that often anymore, we still respect each other. We know each other by heart and no expression needed as just by a glance, we can read our mind easily. We know how to cover each other flaws. We know how to hide our feelings. Love is no longer in the option. It is more to commitment that we committed 30 years ago. As promised, it is just another 8 years before all our commitment completed. Hope by that time, we can freely go to any direction of life that we want. Living our own dream. We maybe old and sick but at least, we have fulfilled our promise to each other. 

I sincerely appreciated what we have done for the past 30 years. Not so many others can reach to this stage. Many friends that you know didn't make it and you know, I know, they are envy of us, proving that we managed it well. Still, we have long years to go to be "together" and our commitment is getting bigger. Even they can fly on their own, if they can't find home of their own, we are still tied to them. We have learnt letting go years ago. 

And I wish us a good year ahead, stay strong, live life.

Sincerely,

Me"

Adios

Reminiscing Fond Memories

Bintulu. The town that I left 33 years ago. The town that converts my teenage life into adulthood. I completed my high school in 1990 with an unexpected flying colors. A non-violence naughty boy who was lazy to study and always escape from classes, passed the national exam with flying colors in science stream class. Who would expect that? Even, my parents, my sister couldn't believe it. I even beat sister in a couple subject. With the great result comes with a great expectations from my family. That is to further my study. I'm still indecisive what to do next. During that time, there's no such thing as education roadshow or any education consultation. It is always up to you to look for a better opportunity outside. There's no information technology that you easily can refer to. The only hope was newspapers. Normally, universities will advertised on opening for new intake in newspapers and radio broadcast. From there you have to buy the form, fill it and mail it to Unit Pusat Universiti (UPU). Then, you have to wait for couple of months for the result. It was a tedious process but have to be done in order to further your study. So, information such as your major or type of study won't easily be obtained. While waiting for the result, I continue my study in Form 6 and it took me 7 days before I decided that it is not for me. After that, I started to look for a job and landed in a car Service Station. I worked there for 4 months before I received the UPU result. But first, I have to go through an interview process. I failed to enter a science or a technology university. The only option left for me, should I decided to accept was a research university. Universiti Pertanian Malaysia in Bintulu (UPMKB), now known as Universiti Putra Malaysia.

I choose Forestry as my major because I feel that jungle is my place. I've been living surrounded by jungle since I was 10 years old. Playing, trekking, looking for jungle produce, hunting, trapping is all mastered by me at the age of 15. So jungle is not something new to me. So by accepting the offer for a Diploma in Forestry, I left for the first time ever, my hometown.

Bintulu town in 1990 can only be reached easily only by air. The airport is located in the middle of the town. You could see the airplane tyre almost touch the village house surrounding the airport. There were a road access but it was all gravel and dusty road. No proper tarred and sealed road during that time. And it will took 2 days to reach Bintulu form Kuching via Sibu express boat and then by bus. I ever travelled from Bintulu back to Kuching by land. I took a bus from Bintulu Town to Sibu. It was a very dusty and uncomfortable journey. The bus was without aircond. I reached Sibu town in the evening and missed my last express boat to Kuching. So I have to overnight at Sibu wharf. Sleeping on the cement bench. It was a very adventurous thing to do for a teenage boy who ever took a wrong flight. This was my first experience in travelling solo and I really like it.

Back to my life in Bintulu in the 90's. 

As a student, there's nothing much that I can tell here. Student life is a boring life. Early morning rush to lectures, late sleep at night, never ending assignments, love life (another time I story) and short of money. If I have the time or inspiration, maybe I'll write about it.

I spend 3 years in Bintulu as undergraduate before I decided to "runaway" to the north and doesn't have the feel of going home yet. I looked for a job in the north and found an easy job at a fast-food restaurant before I got an offer at a national liquified natural gas company. So, I came back to Bintulu, by plane and all expenses paid for, unbelievable. Took the training in the oil and gas industry for 3 months, then on the job for another 3 months before I decided that I am really homesick. Been away for almost 4 years, wandering around without any direction, no guidance, living in sin, I decided to resign from the O&G company. I came back to my hometown and never return to Bintulu ever again for years.

There are things that you did in your life that you'll regret and will never forgive yourself for it, forever. That's why, sometimes, there are small things that crossed my mind that could bring me back to life I've been living before and could touch deep into my emotion. 

Adios.

Projects That never Ends

 New project just landed on my table this midnight. I am no longer surprise with this type of assignment. I've been poured with it since I took up this job in October. Never ending and never pleasant but I took up the challenge, hoping for the best and cooperation from all my team. It is not easy to hold the position as Head of Education (HE). At first, I thought that I'll be educating my team with internal courses and seminars but it is much more than that. I was unofficially partly assigned with Industrial Relation (IR) job too. The job that was supposed to be handled by Assistant General Secretary (AGS) but due to her full time job commitment and hard to give the full commitment in IR, I was frequently assigned to assist General Secretary (GS). Sometimes, it was not that easy because I also have my own work to do. 

As HE since October, there's so many unprecedented program landed on my desk. Most of it was external courses from the affiliates. Joint courses with a bank, Exchange Program with another country union, overseas workshop, Federation courses, Congress courses, conferences, meetings, dialogs and many other smaller events. It is always a tough decision to decide who to go where and the reason why they are chosen. Now I know, why most of the EXCO works alone. It is just to avoid conflict of favoritism and interest so that the professionalism image keeps intact. One thing that make my job easier is when people volunteer themself to an event. I am so happy when someone said "I'll go". It feels like a big boulder being removed from my shoulder. Unfortunately, it seldomly happened. I have to choose who to go and why. Tough.

There's one program that really hunted me until today is the Youth Workshop. It actually my first assigned project because even there's another two arrived earlier, that was only a handed over project to me but this one was really my first assigned project. Why it hunted me until I can't have a decent sleep at night. It was because I have to choose wisely who to send. All three is my friend and I and torn in between. No matter who I choose, I'll be torn inside. The only thing I can do was to seek advise. I know I have to be professional in my decision. I prayed and prayed nightly just to seek guidance from the Almighty. I have to choose my word carefully and choose my reasoning carefully. That was the toughest decision that I have to make. Luckily, EXCO listen and they anonymously decide for me. I feel glad and sad at the same time. I feel bad to the other two that I can't sent. It took me hours to draft a simple apology text message to them. I know they'll understand but what they don't know is my heartbreak. My first project and it was partly failed but I knew, I have to carry on.

I know I have more project that will land on my table. The second one was the course organised by Federation of Trade Union of Employees' in Banking and Financial Institutions in Port Dickson. It was a HRDF claimable course. I have no idea at all what it was and have to Google through to get all the information I needed. This time, I nominated other participants to go but decisions was made by EXCO that I have to go. I have to agreed. The registration process was a "pain in my ass". I have to seek assistance from GS to settle some registration issues and until the night before the course, it was still not 100% settled. Luckily for me, I have my Vice President (VP) connections with FEBFI head that it was finally concluded.

Then comes some internal courses issues that need to be resolve at EXCO level. Local administration issues. Personnel issues. All this need to be resolve immediately as it is disturbing the administration flows. A lot of times, I have to spend my time advising the team from behind the scene. Consult them and request for full cooperation for the sake of Union harmony. At the end, when things settled down, I am very happy if they can work it out smoothly. I like doing the consultation duty. It makes me proud when they managed to do their duties successfully and accepted the 100% credit to themselves. For me, their happiness is my happiness. I don't need the credit as for me, I don't deserve it. They do. I am only an observer who likes to watch and keep my thought to myself. Yes, sometimes I do give out my opinion but I don't force the team to accept it. If they think their way is convenient for them, I just said "Go Ahead and I'll support you". Just lead your way. Anything goes wrong, we will find a solutions to it.

I like to work behind the scene as I don't like to be in the spotlight. It makes me feel proud if things goes smoothly as plan. Yes, planning is a very important thing to do for any program organised. Without a plan, nothing can be done. Unlike my personal life. I've done planning. Most of the time, I just the type of "Grab and Go". I don't plan my trip. I don't plan what I am going to do tomorrow. I am actually hate planning. Most probably because I can't handled disappointments. I had so many disappointments in my life and this disappointments brings in frustration. Being frustrated is the worst feeling that over time will ruin the life itself. No more smiling face. No more happiness. No more freedom. I am done with that feeling for so many years already and now, I am happy, although sometimes I am not. All I like to do is looking forward of what will happen next and let fate leads the way. 

Unfortunately, planning is very important projects. You will need to come out with flows of things that is going to happen and that requires a lot of thinking ideas and input from all over so that at the end of the planning, you can visualise the end results.

And tonight, I received another big project that I must make another wise decisions. It is not easy to send team to for an overseas trip. It requires budgeting and execution. When I received it just now and read the invitation letter to a Bangkok conference carefully, I immediately have someone in my mind to shortlist whom I really want to send and before I can finalise it, I have to study the reasoning and impact if I decide what I am thinking. It goes back to the planning. I hate it but it is the job. The program will be schedule in November this year but decision have to be make soonest possible. From today to November, it is a long way to go and anything can happen to ruin the plan. Back up plan must also be drafted which I really hope that I don't have to execute it. The person consent must also be consider. For this moment, it is only on paper, praying for it to go smoothly without any hiccups. As long there's no invisible hand trying to interfere with it, it should be an easy task.

Adios.

Running, my passion

 It has been a year in Islamic calendar that I last run at sub-6. I missed my daily running routine for 12 months already. Nowadays, I occasionally run whenever I can my time to do it. Why I suddenly reduce my running activity was because of my knee injury. It happened on the 7th day of Syawal last year. Just because of fasting month, I have not been running for a while and I thought since Hari Raya celebration is over (7 days normally), I just want to get back my momentum and get ready for Kuching Marathon in October. I went to my favorite morning route, from Ban Hock Wharf through Kuching Waterfront towards Margherita Hotel and back again. Just about 800 meter from my starting line, I jump over a small beam but unfortunately, I slipped but I didn't fall. I tried to balance myself using my right leg and "kruk", suddenly my knee feels a sharp pain. I quickly limp myself to nearest seat and noticed that there's a bump just below my knee and I knew it, I am out.

The pain was still bearable and I still can walk normally but whenever I run, the right leg seems to be very painful and cannot balance itself. That knee injury took me months to recover, Everytime I tried to run, even with knee support, I still can feel the sharp pain in it. That is when I decided to rest for a very long time. Today, the pain has gone but to get back the momentum back, it requires a very hard work and full discipline. Hard work I can do but the discipline, it is something that I don't have time for it.

Since October, I have been very busy with all the Union work. Day in and day out, all is work and work. Sometimes, I even forgot what day is it. Instead of chasing pace time on the road, now, I am being chase by time, daily. I can feel there's so much pressure on the shoulder. Sleepless night. Sleepy morning. Non stop texting, e-mails, meetings and travelling. I really missed my running routine, my weekend speed ride, my road trips, my hiking. All this, if I really can find the time to do it, I'll be a very very happy person. Not that I dislike of all the job but I have made my promised and commitment that I will try to assist wherever I can to make sure that the Union is still functioning and relevant in this digital era.

I love working with young people. They have all the enthusiasm, the energy, the spirit and all the new ideas. All I wanted to do is to guide them and make them understand of what and why are we doing it. To make sure that one day, the leadership of the Union will be in their hands. When the time comes, they are the one who will determine the direction of the Union. Sometimes, it is sad to see some has been burnout with all the work. I feel hopeless when someone gave up after their hardwork. Sometimes, I am lost of motivational words to boost up back their spirit. Sometimes, I just sit on my praying mat hoping that God will guide me, guide them, into making a wise decision.

Frustration is normal in this line of work. Frustration make us learn. Letting our brain started to think of a better way to find solutions. I have been frustrated for so many times in executing my duties but I keep going. Maybe my heart doesn't feel the frustration anymore. Immune to all the nonsense happened. One thing that I learnt in dealing with these type of people is whenever they tried to keep the traditional thinking, I will counter it with modern ideas. I will use ideas of these young leaders as an excuse that new ideas is better than the traditional way of doing things. Might be not working but it is worth trying. And to my surprise, it started to make its way into the system. Slowly but surely. One thing that it needs is for them to stay longer in the organisation. They need to be strong with all the what I call as temporary nonsense. Focus on the priority. Focus on building the team. Focus on the future. 

I like it when they asked questions. That shows they started to think on their own. I am available 24/7 for them. Sometimes, I don't have the answer but I can get the answer for them. Even me, also new in the job, I took my responsibility seriously. Even I  have lost my mentor in December, I still have to learn something on my own. Past records and files is now my teacher. There are times when I just froze in front of my laptop, don't know what to do. Reading and reading all the previous reports, correspondences, just trying to visualise the end result. I am glad, after months of restructuring, they managed to stand on their own in some occasions. At least, they are happy of their own masterpiece. 

Anyway, my knee seems okay. Even injury like this also took a year to recover, what more to say, injury in the heart. The only problem now is my weight. It has drastically increase. It is a tough mission but I ever do it before but it will take time. I really missed my 10K, 21K, kangaroo route, rabbit route. And one important thing before I start again, I NEED A NEW RUNNING SHOE, and maybe a new brand. 

Adios

Respect Women Feeling

 

I came across a very interesting article this morning.

An article by Prithivin In. 

 

The link as follows https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/respect-women-feelings-complete-guide-prithivin--40bnc

 

I love reading it as it makes me understand what can do and what cannot do in terms of a relationship with a women. How to genuinely respect their feelings, their boundary, their emotion and their love.

 

Women are not objects, trophies, or accessories. They are human beings with feelings, thoughts, and emotions. They deserve respect, kindness, and empathy from men. Respect women feeling is not a slogan or a catchphrase. It is a moral obligation and a social responsibility.

 

Why is it important to respect women feeling? 

 

Because women are half of the population and they contribute to society in many ways. They are mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, partners, colleagues, leaders, and innovators. They face challenges and struggles that men may not understand or appreciate. They have dreams and aspirations that men should support and encourage.

How can men respect women's feeling?

·       Listen to women. Don't interrupt, dismiss, or invalidate what they say. Try to understand their perspective and experience. Don't assume you know better or have the right answer. Ask questions and show interest in what they share.

·       Empathize with women. Don't judge, criticize, or blame them for their feelings. Try to imagine how they feel and what they need. Don't minimize or trivialize their problems or emotions. Acknowledge and validate their feelings and offer support and comfort.

·       Appreciate women. Don't take them for granted or ignore their contributions. Recognize and celebrate their achievements and talents. Express gratitude and admiration for what they do and who they are. Don't compare them to other women or impose unrealistic expectations on them.

·       Respect women's boundaries. Don't invade their privacy or personal space. Don't touch them without their consent or make unwanted advances. Don't pressure them to do something they don't want to do or make them feel guilty or ashamed for saying no. Respect their choices and preferences and don't try to control or manipulate them.

·       Learn from women. Don't assume you know everything or have nothing to learn from them. Be open-minded and curious about their opinions and insights. Don't argue or contradict them just to prove your point or assert your dominance. Learn from their experiences and wisdom and grow as a person.

·       Respecting women feeling is not only good for women, but also for men. It can improve your relationships, your communication, your self-esteem, and your happiness. It can also make the world a better place for everyone.

·       Respect women's feelings by listening to them attentively and empathetically, without interrupting or judging them.

·       Respect women's feelings by validating their emotions and acknowledging their perspectives, even if you disagree or don't understand them.

·       Respect women's feelings by expressing your own feelings honestly and respectfully, without blaming or criticizing them.

·       Respect women's feelings by supporting their choices and goals, without imposing your own expectations or opinions on them.

·       Respect women's feelings by apologizing sincerely and taking responsibility for your actions, if you have hurt or offended them in any way.

·       Respect women's feelings by asking for their consent and respecting their boundaries, without pressuring or coercing them into anything they are not comfortable with.

·       Respect women's feelings by appreciating their strengths and qualities, without comparing or competing with them.

·       Respect women's feelings by celebrating their achievements and successes, without minimizing or undermining them.

·       Respect women's feelings by giving them space and time when they need it, without being intrusive or possessive.

·       Respect women's feelings by being loyal and faithful, without cheating or lying to them.

 

 

Respecting women's feelings means acknowledging, validating, and supporting them when they express their emotions, whether positive or negative. It also means avoiding behaviors that can invalidate, dismiss, or belittle their feelings, such as gaslighting, mansplaining, microaggressions, or stereotypes. Respecting women's feelings can help them feel valued, empowered, and confident in their abilities and potential.

 

Women face many challenges and barriers in their careers and workplaces, such as discrimination, harassment, pay gap, glass ceiling, work-life balance, and more. These issues can affect their mental health, well-being, motivation, and performance. Therefore, it is important to respect women's feelings and emotions during their career and workspace journeys.

 

Some ways to respect women's feeling.

 

1.    Listen actively and empathetically to what they have to say, without interrupting, judging, or offering unsolicited advice.

2.    Ask open-ended questions to show interest and curiosity, and to encourage them to share more.

3.    Give constructive feedback that is specific, balanced, and respectful, and that focuses on their strengths and areas of improvement.

4.    Recognize and celebrate their achievements and contributions, and give them credit for their work.

5.    Encourage and support their career development and growth, and provide them with opportunities to learn new skills, take on new challenges, and advance in their roles.

6.    Respect their boundaries and preferences, and do not pressure them to do something they are not comfortable with or interested in.

7.    Be mindful of the language and tone you use when communicating with them, and avoid using sexist, derogatory, or patronizing words or expressions.

8.    Be aware of your own biases and assumptions, and challenge them when they arise.

9.    Educate yourself on the issues and challenges that women face in their careers and workplaces, and learn how to be an ally and advocate for them.

10. Speak up and intervene when you witness or experience any form of discrimination, harassment, or injustice against women in your career or workspace.

 

Respecting women's feelings during career and workspace is not only the right thing to do, but also the smart thing to do. It can foster a positive work environment that promotes diversity, inclusion, equity, and belonging. It can also enhance the productivity, creativity, innovation, and performance of both individuals and teams. Respecting women's feelings during career and workspace is a win-win situation for everyone involved.

 

There are more articles like this I came across recently. I'm very sure that the AI technology nowadays can calculate the algorithm of our mind. Whatever that we thought off, will appear in any digital platform and started to lure you into it.

 

It's seldom for me to copy other writers’ article in my blog, but I feel empty lately. The inspiration to write seem to be gone since I came back from Jakarta-Bandung. I feel somewhat, happy all the time. At peace. My insomnia is gone. There is peace in me. With all that feeling, I can't have a sad, emotional, angry or even frustrated, the feeling that I need to inspire ideas for my writing.

 

I've tried to write for couple of nights and all that paragraph was thrown into dustbin. Full with rubbish talking. I just can’t find my momentum anymore. When I close my eyes, I see that face.

 

Adios.

 

Love Alone

 It was a lazy day for me. Monday and not working feels like something is missing. Oh ya. I lost all my desire to work. Isn't it nice if I don't have to back to reality of working? Sitting here, far away from home. I totally forgot about home. Not even a single moment today I thought of home. I think I love what I am doing now. It is so great when there's no one you missed at home. Love life is always far beyond my reach already. I have no desire of falling in love anymore. Maybe of my age or maybe there's so much commitment to pour in to love somebody. But it will be a lie if it never crosses my mind or my heart. I am still a man with a natural desire. I do sometimes attracted to beautiful, gorgeous lady. That is natural, right? Who doesn't? Even there was, I always shut myself out from falling in love. I am scared. I scared of being broken again. I scared of being rejected again. I scared of being left again. I am scared of commitment again. So, the scare factor made my heart lost interest to fall in love.

I would not deny it, maybe one day, I might open my heart again if it is my fate. It will not be easy. There's so many single ladies with all sort of background out there. Young. Mature. Beautiful. Intelligent. Attractive. Tall. Short. Skinny. Chubby. Independent. A lot more. It is easy to find one if you're looking. And I am not looking. That cause it become hard to find one. I believe in fate. If it is fate for me to find one that meant for me, maybe it is time. I would not deny it but of course, it is not easy to find a soulmate. Maybe there's one just around the corner.

I wouldn't deny it that I am surrounded with ladies. Married. Single. Divorced. But I treat them as what they are. A friend. A colleague. An acquaintance. Not more than that. Maybe, sometimes, people saw I am quite close with someone but trust me, I can never able to go beyond all of the above. Tempted? Yes, sometimes but my heart and mind is still strong. There are times, I feel like want to go beyond that but I just can't. Sometimes, I just don't understand why some can.

Well, I love as what I am now. I do feel lonely sometimes. It do feel weird taking photos alone sometimes. Eating alone. Went shopping alone. Sitting alone in the park. Travel here and there alone. Look happy from the outside. Can react as if there's nothing wrong being alone. But when seeing friends leave for home to their wife, children, it does sometimes made an impact in the heart. Sometimes, when lying alone on bed, trying to get some sleep, it do make a huge impact in the heart. That is why, staying up late until the eyes feel very very sleepy is the best remedy to overcome it. At least, when the head hit the pillow, sleeping immediately is very easy.

Adios.

The Pack n Go Trip

Had a good conversation with a friend today. Miles away from where I am now. Sometimes, travelling makes you appreciate what you have in life. Watching people who really work for a living. Day in and day out. I feel so tiny comparing to these people even I don't know what their background are. Even just by buying a bottle of water from them really helped them. They don't work to get rich. They work to earn a living. Not much but maybe just because of the bottle of water you purchased, their children can have food on the table tonight. I never bargain from a street seller. If they wanted to offer a discount, I'll just accepted it. It's my nature. I always said to myself, I'm not gonna broke if I paid the price they wanted and they not going to become millionaire with the price the offered. It is just a fair deal. This is what travelling for me. Not the shopping mall, not the food, not the goods, but to experience life. I always said I am not a tourist. I am a traveler. 

I like one movie called "The Naked Traveler". Actually, it should be a "Nekad Traveler" because the main character is so "nekad" to travel to places she wanted to go. Trinity her name. An Indonesian movie based on a book of the same title written by also Trinity. Mostly based on her own experience. The only thing that it is a little bit made up story when toward the end, there's a mystery guy sponsored her travelling enthusiasm. That is little bit unreal. There's no such things as free ride. There's always a price of everything. But I like the idea. Travel wherever you want without worrying of things at home. I wish that I am that free. But I am not. I still have my responsibilities at home. My family, my bills, my work and all so many other things. 

One thing that people always will look into when planning for travelling is money. Right. Money is the number one important when travelling. You need money for the air ticket, ground transport, accommodation, food and all other thing you need while travelling. Without money, travelling is just a dream. That is why, sometimes, when we planned to travel with friends, it never been realised. Why? You maybe have enough money for the plan but your friend might don't have enough. They might have big commitment at home and you don't. So, that is why, most of the time, I travel alone. I went to Mecca alone. I went to Mulu alone. I travel to Mount Kinabalu alone. Go hiking alone. Made a roadtrip alone and now, in Bandung alone, sort off, because I left my sister in Jakarta, hahaha. Will meet her again before flying back. Yes, money is everything. Without money, I can't even step my foot outside of my home town. I always remember my brother-in-law words when my sister nagging him for spending so much on something for their children. He just said "Alaaa.....duit boleh cari". It is just a simple word but when I analyst it carefully, actually he is putting his trust in Allah. Allah is the greatest giver. The greatest sustenance provider. He will provide sustenance to whoever He wants especially to those who trust and believe in Him as the greatest provider of sustenance. Trust Him and we will never feel shortage in your "rezeki".

I had this experience before when I planned to perform Umrah pilgrimage. I don't even have enough fund for the package. All I have is just enough for the deposit but I proceeded with the intention with a trust that He called me to visit the Holy Land. For sure, He will find me a way to achieve it. Unknowingly, my "rezeki" keep flowing in from all over and I managed to have enough to pay the remaining package balance and enough for my spending in the Holy Land. This has become my principle now for travelling. Don't be stingy to yourself. You want it, just spend it. Not a good habit but like my above friend said, "As long as you are happy" and I am happy. 

About this trip, this was actually not a planned trip. It is just happened that my sister is having some sort of work in Jakarta. So, as usual, their company will provide accommodation to her, normally 5 stars hotel. Her last working trip to Dubai, she stayed at Burj Khalifa. That is the tallest building in Dubai. The landmark building. Luckily, I don't have enough for Dubai but her husband, willing to travel from Europe to join her there. Who doesn't want to stay at that place? So, this time, I take the advantage of her accommodation in Jakarta. When arrived there, I felt it is too metropolitan for me. Busy like Kuala Lumpur. So, it doesn't suits me. I googled places of interest in Jakarta. There are some good place like museum (I like that too), waterpark, monuments etc. Then, I remember of outskirt Jakarta. The nearest (actually not so near) is Bandung which are about 2 half hours drive. Cool temperature. Near the volcanic mountain, Tangkuban Perahu. So I never been there and never seen an active volcano. So, what the heck. Just grab some information from the receptionist counter how to go to Bandung and pack and go for me.

Here I am, sitting in a cottage, in a middle of mountain jungle, all alone, reminiscing myself. I felt so much calming here than in noisy Jakarta. I can feel the time move so slowly here. Maybe because I am 1 hour behind Malaysia. So, I don't need 48 hours a day 😉. hahaha.

Maybe, I just need another day here, depends on my mood in the morning or I move to another location before I fly back to Kuching. Or until I ran out of cash. But my mood was so good tonight even Manchester United lost to City 3-1 tonight, I am still full of spirit. Feels like going for a hike in the morning, maybe. Thanks G and A. It was really nice talking to you. I forgot about all the work issues for few hours today. But reality still, I have so many projects need to settle off before the fasting month. That will be my priority back home later.

For now, I just want to find peace, calm and my old self.

Adios

The Line You Shouldn't Cross

 Last night, while having my dinner, I came to one posting in IG that made me thinking. Even though it has been a while I noticed it but I tried to ignore it and said "It is non of my concern". The longer I kept it to myself, the longer that feeling and thought eating me. Sometimes it made me sad because it does happen in front of my very eyes. I am a man. I too have feelings and trust me, I can know how other man feels. His action, body language, the way of thinking and of course, the sense of "high". I also can know if some man crossed their friendship border line.

In friendship between a married man and a married women, there is a small tiny "Chinese Wall" that you can never ever crosses, unless you are willing to commit yourself towards each other. Committing yourself here means, your willing to have an affair with each other intimately. Thinking of adultery. Either it is from the man's side or it is from the woman's side. I myself have that experience and almost fell into "the devil's" whisper. Luckily, I can control my feelings whenever I saw a red-flag. I will quickly turned myself away from being emotionally engage. Remember on my one posting about the night I was almost seduced? ( https://new-ardtstudio.blogspot.com/2023/09/i-am-almost-seduced.html ) I know, it is not easy to turned away a very attractive woman coming into your life. Especially when you are looking for it. But, if you put yourself into the woman's husband shoe, how do you feel if your wife is doing it? Will it broke your heart? I was there before. It crushes me for years. 

When I saw this happened in front of my eyes, I feel sad. How could they hurt someone that have sacrifices their life to them. How could a man forgot what his wife have sacrificed to their marriage all these years? Giving birth to their child. Built a home together. Live in hardship in the early years of marriage. Just to have an intimate love with someone else's wife? And how could a woman willing to break her husband's trust by giving her a freedom to move around? Sacrificed his time for the family. Dropping his sweats day and night for his family. These alone gave me a very sad feeling and frustrated sometimes.

Sweet talk until late at night behind their spouse's back. Early morning call. Hidden messages. Silent ringtone. Expressing intimate feeling towards each other. Meeting secretly behind everyone's back with work excuses. All these are visible to the eyes of one who ever experienced it. You can't hide it. Your body language action said it all. The way you looked at each other. The way you presented yourself to each other. All these maybe you didn't noticed it but trust me, it is very obvious. I've seen marriage collapses because of adultery. I've seen a baby was born because of adultery. Pity the child not knowingly anything and the real father. I've seen husband crushed knowing his wife is having an affair. A wife screamed in public attacking someone else wife because of the affair. It is bad.

Just my advise, stop it. Man can sweet talk to you however you want it. It is easy for them because there's nothing to lose. If a woman got pregnant because of the affair, he can always have his hand clean as there's an innocent husband that willing to be responsible. A woman can hide it forever but do you think you can be happy for the rest of your life? Living in sin? Man can say anything just to get under your pants. He will say his marriage is shaky. His wife can't perform in bed anymore. There's no more love in the family. The wife is queen control etc². That's is all bullshit just to get into your emotion sympathy and to get into your vagina.

Just be cautious of this thin borderline that you can't be crossing at all. It's not good for your future. You'll be alone forever in this type of life. And you'll never be happy forever. 

Adios

Life is not a Drama

 At first, I was about to write all the things that happened in my life in the year 2023. While writing about it, I don't feel the chemistry in it at all. So, it was deleted even I have wrote a very lengthy composition. Blogging for me is always something that could capture my heart. Not for others but for me to feel the romantic side of it. Romantic? That is just a general expression because sometimes, it could make me smile, sad, happy and reminiscing the inner side of me.

Lately, I have this weird sense surrounding me. I feel like there's a "CCTV" is watching every movement I made. It is not a bad thing actually. I seems to like it. It made me feel loved or cared for. Of course you'll want to know by who. It doesn't matter by who or by what. That feeling creates something positive in me. I am getting more active in my daily life. I am getting a good night rest, sometimes. I can express myself more freely without worrying being judged. I started to get back to my hobby and I can feel my work of art being appraised.

But I also know, this is only temporary. One of my daily job in the office is doing customer's profiling. Partly because there's too many "mule" trying to open an account for scamming activities. So, I can say that I am get use to profile people just by asking questions and see their reactions to the questions. My boss and all my colleagues love to hear all my conversation in interviewing new customer's because sometimes, questions they never dare to ask, were asked by me directly to the customer and I can linked all the information to create a customer's profile. Whether it is a good intention or with a hidden agenda.

When someone try to do profiling on my background, I am also good in not telling the whole thing but I don't tell lies. Not telling is not the same as lying. Lying is you're fabricating, prevaricating or speaking falsely about something whereby not telling is you just simply hide the information until it is known or made known. So, I made a second profile of myself, the second known life of mine that many people already know but keep the real private part to myself or to people who are very very close to me.

There's a reason why I do that. Firstly, it is for privacy. For people knowing about me too much scares me. I don't feel comfortable for someone new knows too much about my life. It is just enough for them to know where I work, where I live, my daily routine, my favorite food, drinks, what car I drive and all the external part of my life. It is not time for them to know my family names, my childhood, my love or anything that is intimate to me. Normally, what I do is, I create two characters of me at the same time. For those who I open up with, and for those who I don't have to until someday, when I feel that they can accept me as what I am before to what I am now, then they can freely know me in depth. 

Don't get me wrong. It is not easy to get comfortable with someone without knowing who they are at the first place. When I do customer's profiling, I will get to know their background first. Once their background has been established, then I get to know their intention and if both stories matched, only then the business can be establish comfortably. Same goes with friendship. Should it be remain as friend or can it be classified into close friend. Normally, you can feel the chemistry especially in body language or even in tone of voice.

So, sometimes, people judge me for what they saw externally. For people like this, I always give them for what they can see. From there, if they are interested to know me better, they would engage base on what they see. With that engagement, their interest to know me would somehow land them to more private part of my life. That is if they are sincere about it. Some people, they just want to use you to get into something they want. I am not easily fall into that style. I live long enough to know the dramas or even a hidden agenda. In other words, I am not easily being use anymore. Enough with all the bad experience before. I am more vigilant with people nowadays. I will gather lots of information from all over before I decide what to do. 

So, to all the "CCTVs" around, what you see is the external part of me. The part that I maybe compose just for you to satisfies your need to know. Talk to me more about yourself and maybe I will open up myself to you more. Not that I am keeping a secret from you but maybe I am scared to open up for you.

Adios