Menangis lah Hati

Tak tahu kenapa tiba-tiba dada ku rasa sebak dan tanpa disedari, mataku terngenang air. Sebaik saja ku kelipkan mataku, deras saja air mengalir dipipi dan hingus mulai membasahi hidungku. Ku genggam erat stering keretaku agar kerana hampir saja aku terbabas ke bahu jalan. Sebak. Fikiranku terlayang seketika. Apa yang ada dalam hatiku, tak dapat ku luahkan kepada sesiapa dan kepada apa. Segalanya hanya mampu ku pendam. Semakin lama, semakin menebal keluhan dan rintihan jiwa ini. Semakin lemah segala emosiku. Semakin sukar ku kawal ekpresi tubuhku. Semakin hilang ekpresi wajahku. 

Segera ku ubah haluan keretaku. Hasrat untuk tiba dirumah sebelum Maghrib ku batalkan. Kemana nak ku rehatkan jasad ini? Tiba-tiba, hatiku ditarik ke arah lokasi dimana segalanya penuh dengan nostalgia bagiku. Tempat dimana emosi hidupku banyak diluahkan dalam nukilan-nukilan ku terdahulu. Tak sangka, banyak juga kenderaan beristirehat di sini. Dulu, segalanya sentiasa senyap sunyi, terutama menjelang malam. Pernah, aku berhasrat hendak membawa G bersiar-siar disini, sambil tunjukkan tempat-tempat aku berkarya namun hasrat itu hanya tinggal angan-angan. Terlalu banyak angan-angan yang kini hanya tinggal angan-angan. Tak mungkin akan terlaksana kerana terang-terang lagi ayat "tak akan berlaku" sentiasa terngiang-ngiang di mataku dan ayat itu telah menutup segala-galanya walaupun tidak diungkapkan secara bersemuka, hanya melalui penulisan. Namun, nukilan sedemikian rupalah yang betul-betul menderaikan hati dan jiwa ini. Bayangkan, setelah seberapa lama berhubungan, akhirnya diakhiri dengan hanya secebis penulisan. Tiada suara. Tiada bicara. Malah tiada tentangan mata. Merundum jiwa sampaikan menjadi malu diperlakukan sedemikian rupa. 

Adakalanya, terasa diri seperti dipermainkan. Adakalanya, terasa diri diperalatkan. Adakalanya, terasa diri terlalu naif. Tapi hatikan, bukannya mahu menerima kenyataan yang tubuh ini sudah tak diperlukan. Kata-kata harapan sudah tidak diendahkan malah mungkin sudah muak didengari. Malah tiada kepentingan lagi untuk hidupnya. Sudah tiada adrenalin keseronokan berkejaran dan dikejar. Adakah kerana hilang kepercayaan dek kata-kata fitnah dari seseorang? Adakah hilang kepercayaan dek cerita-cerita tanpa kesahihan? Hanya dia saja yang tahu. Yang pasti, segala apa yang aku pernah ceritakan, segala apa yang pernah aku luahkan, segalanya adalah terbuka dan tak ada selindungnya. Kerana aku percaya sebab itu aku cerita. Bukan untuk menagih simpati kerana selama hidupku ini, itulah aku. Pemendam perasaan. Tiada siapa yang pernah menyelami hati ini, baik dengan yang pernah hidup bersama selama 30 tahun, tetap sampai sekarang, tak pernah aku luahkan apa yang aku luahkan kepada G. Aku tak tahu, kenapa aku selesa bercerita dengannya. Namun, sekarang, tiada siapa yang pasti aku akan terbuka seperti itu. Bukan senang untuk hati ini untuk jatuh sedalam ini. Bukan mudah untuk lidah ini meluahkan rasa hati ini. Bukan mudah untuk aku kembali ke keadaan asalku. Segalanya direnggut di saat aku dalam dilema. Paling menyedihkan, diperlakukan seolah-olah aku hanyalah seorang insan yang sekadar seorang yang langsung tiada sejarah bersama. Diperlakukan seperti seorang kenalan yang nama terakhirnya pun tidak diketahui. Seorang yang tiada sebab untuk ditempatkan di hiraki yang teratas. Malah, setiap masa, segala mesej yang dihantar hanya dibaca pada notifikasi tanpa perlu diberi perhatian penting. Malah dibalas cukup dengan huruf-huruf vokal. 

Kering sudah airmataku seketika ini, sambil melihat cahaya beransur suram dan gelap sekelilingku sambil mendengar nyayian kumpulan Radja, "Jujur". Namun, sebak didada tetap menyukarkan proses pernafasan ku yang selama ini semakin singkat. Adakala, ingin aku berteriak sekuat suaraku untuk melepaskan kesedihan hati ini tapi suara ku telah hilang, ditelan oleh suara tangisan hati ini. 

Adios 😭

Away with blank Anger

Awkward.

That’s exactly how I felt. For weeks I’d been trying to avoid seeing her, even as my heart fought me at every turn. I was terrified that every time I saw her, my heart would ache and I’d start crying silently, without tears. I’ve been doing my best to honor her wishes even though it’s tearing me apart. She wants me to let go of hope and feelings for her—but how do you erase something that deep after everything we’ve shared? Maybe it’s easier for her. Maybe she’s done it before. Maybe she’s been through this with someone else. But me? I’ve never truly been in love before. I’m not lying—why would I lie about something so personal?

I promised her I could do it. I lied.
I promised myself I could forget her. I lied.
I promised there was nothing left in my heart. I lied.

Thinking back, I was once full of passion, driven by visions and end goals. Everything I did was focused and deliberate, and I forgot about the noise around me. I want to be that person again, but distractions and obstacles keep blocking my way. I feel trapped in an invisible prison, bound by chains I can’t see. Sometimes I drive aimlessly, not knowing where I am. Sometimes I end up at home. Sometimes I park somewhere random, trying to calm my mind. People say “Home Sweet Home,” but that’s not how it feels for me anymore. Home isn’t a refuge; it’s where I’m fighting to find myself again.

There was a night I ended up at Damai Beach in the middle of the night without even realizing how I got there. Another time, I found myself at the Tebedu border for no reason. Maybe I miss my adventurous self—the person who would hike for miles, pushing myself forward while giving motivational pep talks in my head. I miss talking to myself.

But what I miss most is talking to her. We used to talk for hours without any particular topic. We’d leave the world behind and live in our own little cocoon, staying up until 3 a.m. just texting. Now, when I bring it up, she just says that was all in the past. I keep wondering why she can’t just let things be like they were. Why am I suddenly being ghosted for hours? Is someone else taking up her time like I once did?

This all started after someone from her past confessed his feelings to her. She could have chosen not to see him, but she did. Maybe she gave him mixed signals, or maybe she had her reasons. Since then she’s been using our current “situation” as an excuse to keep me at a distance. I’ve seen her ignore others before—leaving texts unread for days to show she’s not interested—and now she’s doing it to me. Not days, but hours of unread messages. It’s clear: my time no longer matters the way it used to.

And today, that awkwardness returned. The way she’s trying to push me into the “friend zone” hurts more than I can say. All I wanted to do was pack my things and leave—not go home, but go far enough to escape this heartbreak. But I have to hide it. She can’t see my pain or my reactions. I have to keep up the promise I made, the lie I told myself. I must act strong. So I did. I walked away, said nothing, drove off, and ended up eating dinner alone.

Yesterday I almost texted her to ask for lunch. I was so close. But deep down I knew she’d probably decline, so I buried the thought just to get through the day. But I didn’t really survive the day. I went to the places we used to go together, sat in my car for hours, then drove home late at night exhausted, hoping sleep would come easily.

This is my life now—adrift, miserable, unfocused. I’m trying to get back to what matters. Believe me, I’m trying. Smiles are precious to me, but it’s been so long since I’ve smiled from the heart. Now I just smile to ease the people around me. Silence has become my second skin. Anger surfaces more often. I used to be calm; it was hard to make me angry. Now I can’t even control my reactions.

I don’t blame her. She’s young, and she has her whole life ahead. I have no right to control what she does. But we barely talk anymore. She says there’s nothing to talk about, even though months ago we could spend hours on nothing. I know nothing about her private life now. She used to share everything, and now—silence. Maybe there’s someone else she shares it with.

I’ve always reminded her about the “fishing hook”: once you’re hooked, you can’t see anything else—either stay hooked or struggle to break free. She’s hooked.

Adios.

Dear July

Dear July,

Hey U. How are you doing? You know what. You're the worst month I knew. The horrible month that snatched my beautiful love life that I tried to live on ever since my heart was thrashed into pieces. I'll never forgive you or reconcile anything with you anymore. You know what? I've tried so hard to regain my self for years. Crying in bed for years. If Zainuddin can only cried for months, I'm even worst. I've been suffering for years. Makan hati berulam jantung. I don't know why should I carry on or holding on with my marriage even it has collapsed years ago. 

"Demikianlah perempuan, ia hanya ingat kekejaman orang kepada dirinya walau pun kecil dan ia lupa kekejamannya sendiri pada orang lain padahal begitu besarnya."

This sentence hit me so much, July. And it hurts me so much when I am thinking back what she have done to me. Just because I fell in love again for the first time ever after 3 decades, I am cruel? She threatened my new love even for the past 13 years she neglected me? What's wrong when I look for another comfort zone when she can't gave it to me? She digged something that was never there and use it as an evidence that was never be. I fell in love with G not on purpose. She's been so kind and caring to me. I find comfort whenever I am with her. The world become so quiet and bokeh whenever she is with me. My focus is so clear that she is all that I see. 

July, I hate you even it is not your fault. I lost sight for a night and "Kau regas segenap pucuk pengharapanku. Kau patahkan." All my hope, all my future plan, all my dream, all my desire was snatched. Now, for a year, I've been living in fear, anxiety and hopeless. My new love scared to connect with me. She's been threatening her every now and then. With all psychological strategies making her distancing herself from me. Suffering is all you bring, July. With you coming back again this year, and I have lost the only person I wanted to talk to everyday, I can't see why should I like you, July.

I'm losing her, July and by losing her, I don't even know when can I found my heart again. 13 years is not a short period. 13 years is not an easy journey for me. I've lost 13 years of my young age just to find peace again in my heart. 

Please end your month fast, July, please.

Adios

I've been Cut Off

Nothing much I can do. We are strangers now. No connection or any trace we know each other. Buried totally. I've been expected that months ago, how someone I know was cut off totally from her social media. I've been telling her so many times, one day, I will be treated the same way but no she said. I am different. Totally not the same but see, what happened now. I fall into the same situation of that person. Same goes to one story, where she cut herself from her distance love,  years ago. Just because of late response to a text message, they broke up.

Funny. Why am I feeling sad? It is not sad actually. It is just a disappointment being treated the way others she doesn't want anymore. Casual talk. Ya. It is still on. Accepting the fact that is the character and style, not blaming but like I said, I already anticipated that. The only thing that I am a little bit disappointed is just the sweer talk said I am different. And I fell for that. I should have known. Actually, I know for a while. There's no more passion in her towards me. Apart from pressure from my house partner, all that is just a big excuse to part me away.

Well.......she will deny it, as usual. But her action speaks louder than her denial. Wishing myself a best of surviving whatever things that she will react towards me. I didn't mad at her. In fact, I missed her so much. I really wish she gave me a chance to have a decent face to face conversation but excuses upon excuses occurs in every chances.

Tired of myself dah.

Adios.

The confession

I just don't know where to start. Want open up is not an easy thing for me.I just wish I keep my fight buried deep inside me. Let it buried forever and not found by others. Just like our relationship, no one knows how deep we fell into ourselves.This are the things that i am fighting daily. A fight that I wish no one else know that I am fighting.I might look cool, smiling, working, do my chores as if nothing in my mind. and by telling you, it makes me so vulnerable for critics, advises to forget and to move on, disappointment, and all other help people think they can help. but deep inside me, let me fight, hurt, injured, suffocated and fight it myself.

I've been critically hurt 15 years ago, fighting with myself, trying to heal and move on. All that took me 7-8 years to have peace treaty with myself. I've found myself back, spending times alone, busy myself with all sort of activities without forgetting my responsibilities. I have stop finding love in me. I have no interest of looking for any. Just like to make friends. Even during MCO, taking care of my children and home all alone, with broken washing machine, I have to handwash all the laundry, daily. Doing the cooking, shopping all by myself. That's when, I was thinking, I can do this alone. I don't need anyone else in my life. Let it be me and I'm struggling but happy. There's no need to worry of others feeling. I have lost in my responsibilities. But I am at peace. Meet new friends, sharing the same passion. Running, hiking and mountain climbing became my hobby. I've stopped photographing as my eyes is not very sharp anymore. I enjoyed what I am doing. Travel here and there without worrying have to report to anyone. Post my activities on social media. Until my friends thought I am single. I have never declared my maritial status, not even once. I let people thought whatever they want because I just don't care. The fight inside me requires peace and tranquility.

Until one day, I sujood to the Al-mighty. Give me a sign and guide me. Protect me of all corrupt practise around me. And I found my answer. Not once but three times. So, I decided to commit myself back to Union activities. With the intention, if I can't fight from outside, maybe from inside I can. Little that I know, my prayer in front of Kaabah is being answered. That is to grow love in me again. I've been deleted that feeling in me since 2017. Avoiding whatever there is that could make me fall in love. I almost forgot about my wish. Only then, on one unrecorded trip, I suddenly being struck by cupid arrow, causing a dilemma that I myself don't understand. Trying so hard to fight it as I know it is an impossible thing to happen. But fate brings me to you. You keep saying it is a mistake. I said not. But it is also not right. For me, it's just a beautiful journey that I ever experience. A genuine feeling that is so pure that I forgot who you are.

Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. That feeling grew as time goes by. I tried to convince myself, for you to feel the same. So many times, I cried, trying to convince myself. As months pass by, the feeling I had still not faded. It still glows brightly whether in the dark or in the sunshine. A day without talking or texting you feels so hurtful. I did try. Just like what you always recommended me to do. Move on. I've tried. Believe me. I tried so hard until there were days, I feel so suffocated that I cried to my sleep. That is the fight I am facing. It maybe easy for you or you make it sounds so easy, at least. You have a lot of love queueing up for your rejection outside there. I don't. Anyway, for you, it is a mistake, an error that needs to be corrected. Maybe, that is my problem. I don't see it as a mistake, therefore, I have nothing to be corrected. Thus, making it hard for me to go back. All I can do is, stay put and watching you moving along your preferred path. I can't stop you. You have your life before me. Your history that I never know. You have your own story you want to create without me inside. You have a lot more life excitement you want to experience. Let me stand here, alone, with hope, the horizon will fade myself over the time. Watching you getting further and further away while you keeps reminding me not to look at you anymore. Keeps telling me to look away. 

It is this fight that I am facing now. I'm tired of standing. I want to sit down. The problem is, everytime I'm sitting down, the queue behind me keeps pushing me, stepping on me, kick me, dragging me that makes me wanted to jump over to your queue. The queue that is very long and to wish that I can jump the queue to get close to you again, is something that is impossible. There's so many in front of me that has been there in the line for so long. I'm not the priority anymore. I know. I'm just a burden with so many problem to solve in a single transactions. Even you, keeps pushing me away to another queue. You had enough serving me. I can feel it and understand very much. That is why, for me, this fight is my fight against myself. I know, you want to help but I can't be helped with such recommendations that keeps me away further from you. Sometimes, when you said things like, find someone else or what can you do or still not moving on, it actually hurts me deeply. I choose to have a silent answer. For that I know, my truthful answer is I still want you. That I keep to myself because I know, your response will hurt me so much. Let me try to fight myself no matter how long it will takes. 

This is just my confession. Not for you to response or take it to your heart. It is just me and myself. This is me before. 

Adios

Dear Diary

It's been a month I've been like this. Type and re-type and then delete. Type again and delete. Sometimes, it was kept it draft but never sent. Then delete. Why? Because I remembered how others was treated. Text received but not opened for hours and at the end, just a blue tick. Not responded after days and that is on purpose so that the message was clear. Not to keep the other party interested. I got it. That's why, I type and re-type and delete because I am afraid, it will be pushed down the hierarchy once it was sent. Just a double tick until hours later. It will only be read in the notification bar. Do I afraid of the reality? Yes, I am. I'm still in a denial emotion. Maybe I know why it is like this. Maybe it is just a way to make me feel less interested and started to move away these feelings. The way she forced me to move away from her and stop whatever it is with her. Why I said that? Every time I spoke about my feeling, she keeps reminds me of our agreement. I got it. Everytime the sentence comes up, there will be silence on my part. I do not response or I'll just change the subject. Denial? Yes. I just don't want to be heard that I'm still hoping. No matter what I said, it doesn't matter anymore because I don't want my hope still be seen. Silence is an answer. 

There's so many occasions she said she wants to move on. There's so many occasions she asked what do I want from her. There's so many occasions she gave a valid excuses not to respond immediately. There's so many occasions she responded with a cold reply. I got the signal. That's why, my typed text sometimes never been sent. That's why, good morning greetings is no longer expected. That's why, a good night is no longer necessary. Even though, for me, it is everything. She's the first thought early in the morning. She's the last thought before I sleep. Me to her now? I don't know. Maybe, just another past or just another notification that will be responded to once settle with others when she's free. Busy? I got it. Seen that before. Ever been in priority before others. There's no necessity to reply immediately. Nothing important also. There are others needed more attention. Seen that.

I know, she'll be mad if I said this. All will be denied and she will questioned me with this accusations to make me feel guilty. She will say there's no longer understanding between us. It's a normal sentence or words of breaking up and also meaning she is not interested anymore. I might be wrong. I know I am wrong and that is just my overthinking. I might be making a wild accusations and assumptions. All I said here is based on my experience with her. How she treated non important others infront of me. How she spend hours texting with me and kept other admirer in double tick. How she didn't response to other admirer. How she rejected other admirer. 

Where am I standing now? Over the edge? Or just pushed to step outside in the isle of her heart. Swim and drown, it is no longer her concern. Day or night is no longer important. I've fight in a noble way to win her and won the battle but little that I know, there's more battle to fight for to win the war. I've lost a place I can express my day. I've lost a place I can express my sadness. I've lost a place I can cry on. I've lost a place that can gives me motivation to fight for more. Someone I can trust. Someone I can talk freely with emotion. Someone I can ..... 😭

But no matter what and how, I still trust her wholeheartedly. I can't deny that. There's no one ever touched the bottom of my heart. I've never have this feeling towards someone like I fell for her. I just can't move on and wished things stays as it is forever. 

Can't type anymore.......

Adios for now

Am I a liar?

 It has been a while since I didn't blog. Why? Seems like I have stopped since March 2024. In April, there's totally zero even I promised myself that every month, there would be at least one "coretan" from me. I even blogged earlier in September 2023 that I would have time now to write. Looks like it is actually a lie. Ever since I took the position as an EXCO in Union, I barely have time for myself. I am so busy that I don't even have time to prepare myself for Ramadan. It is just come and go, just like that. Then when I am ready to celebrate Hari Raya, then come a family trouble. Things that I am not ready yet. Children's marriage. As a father, I expect this will come sooner or later. Even my eldest has passed through the process and I managed to handle it though it is a failed one, I'm still not ready to go through that process once more. The family issue this time really had impact in my life. I was so devastated that my whole Raya celebration was down the drain. I have no mood to enjoy it as before. No open house. No house visiting as previous years. No enjoyment at all. Luckily, all my children has grown up and they don't demand much on the celebration. The whole month of April becomes a disaster for me that even on my birthday, the days just pass by like that. April surprises me as well when she suddenly shows her interest to come back "home". After years of being separated with walls, she started to show her interest to be back. I was so confuse, with all the issue with my son, my work, my feelings, she suddenly appear without any words at the moment I am seriously ready to move forward with my life.

So, I decided that I need to run away from all this trouble for a while. I need a long drive so that I can think of what is my next step. I seek guidance from the al-Mighty that please show me a sign if this is the best thing for me. I need to clear my mind and focus with my life for a while. There's something in my heart that troubled me and I need an answer. I never had this feeling ever and I don't know what is it. The feeling that disturbed me since I am back from my Jakarta trip. The answer I wouldn't find if I stayed home. So, I told myself, do what you've been doing in the past. Go for an unplanned trip and seek the answer. The journey for 200km do made an impact in me. I enjoy my moment alone in the car, listening to loud music and sing along. There's no one there except me and music. I stop whenever I feel I want to stop. Explore the places that I always pass by. No pressure. No expectation. Just for me to clear my mind and focus on one thing only, the answer.

This is the journey that I never regret at all in my life. This is where, for the first time ever, I've been guided to find comfort in my heart. Cuddled that feeling in the night and spoke the truth without any hesitation. It has never crossed my mind to lie. Being with her, I feel like I am an open book. There's nothing that to hide. My past, my present and even my future flashes in my eyes. At first, I tried to deny my feeling and holding myself to say the "L" word but days passed by and progress was so fast that even we can't believe it. The feeling of comfortable with each other grew into something big and it strikes me, I think I am in love. The feeling that I never had since 30 years ago. Is this the real thing? I keep asking myself that but that feeling comes from deep in my heart and not form my desire, my mind or my brain. 

And that feeling was the feeling that I lie to myself the whole way driving back home "I am not in love" and keep repeating it along the way. This can't be happening. There's so many times I had a chance to fall in love but I managed to "kill" it before it even grew. But this time, I can't stop it from growing. The root is very deep that in May, I expressed it openly without any hesitation. That was sincerely from the root of my heart. I can't deny that feeling and I knew, it is wrong but I can't lie to myself anymore. Whatever my past was, it will remain in the past. I have no intention to go back there as I have found my future. If my life was a disaster before, so let it be. I need to move forward and feel comfortable and loveable with someone I love. 

Let the next chapter of my open book remains blank so that I can drew and craft whatever I want for my life. There might be a plot twist, crying, happiness, loneliness, togetherness, let draw it together with. It is the whole new world out there. Don't fill it with sadness, hate or even broken heart.

Adios.

Should I hope?

I was so excited this morning. Put on my best shirt, shaved and making sure I will still smell nice after 8 hours of work. Just can't wait till 5.30pm. When the clock reached 5pm, I quickly punch out and dashed to my car, driving excitedly towards her place. Then I realised, I forgot to fuel in my car. Have to make a U-turn and found the nearest gas station. Hope was so high that I could surprise her. After filing the tank, I continue the journey but was caught in heavy traffic jam. I was so worried that I'll be late. My eyes keeps watching at my handphone and the time. Almost 45 minutes I'm stuck in the jam. Suddenly, my phone notification sounded. It's from her. "Balik". I was a bit stunned and frustrated. She left. I tried to act cool and just replied that I'm going to the shop she promised we'll be going to last night hoping that she remembers. Her reply sounds like she can't make it and I understand. It will be very late if she have to accompany me. I'm just another couple of hundred metres from her place but there's no point going there anymore. So, I decided to turn around and went home instead. All green lights for my journey home. My mind was really off. Frustrated for don't know for how many times. It has been a frustrating week for me and it keeps me so moody. I just want a 30seconds hug. Enough. That is also hard to get. I just don't know how to express it anymore. She wouldn't understand. 

Reaching home, I feel a deep pain in my soul. I just took off my shirt and lie down on bed, few seconds later, I felt asleep. Waking up slightly after 9pm. Hungry and thirsty but first thing I did,  I texted her, "Where are you?". Waiting. Still no bluetick. It's been like this since weeks ago. I have to be patience and accepted the reality. My text now is either in the notification and dropped down off the important hierarchy or could only be response when the course is clear. That's my assumption. I have to understand it. Not her fault. I never blame her if she did that. We have the mutual agreement. I've seen her did that to other people and there's no surprise if I fell into that category too but I am positive about it. She might be busy, fulfilling her duty as a mother and a wife. Ya, she belongs to somebody. 

I know it and I keep reminding myself, to let her continue her life like a year ago. Yes. A year ago. The moment I believe I was so depressed just like at this moment. I made a surprise decision to fly to Jakarta. A place that I never thought of going. Just to heal and find my true feeling. That was a year ago and it is history. No one else knows this except her. I have never fell in love so deeply like this. Even with my partner now, it was never like this. It is really hurt if someone we love so much did not give even a little attention to you. Knowing so much about you but still being ignored for a few seconds could hurt. But, I've promised her, I won't get hurt. I'm very sure at that moment, I will not get hurt. Little that I know, I never have this experience before. I am wrong. I do get hurt but I can't tell anyone. The word I'm okay is just I am okay. Alive. Surviving. Living my dream world. That's all. When night fall, I just crawl into my small tiny shell and cry in silence or I sleep, hoping for the sun not to rise so that I can continue sleep and dream. I can't show it to her or anyone else. I just can't. I don't expect any sympathy anymore. I've ever cried like this before years ago. Just at the moment I am ready to face the world happily with my new love, she suddenly appear back into my life, spoiling all my future plan. Keeps pressing and pressuring me until I burst into anger. Anger and moody all the time because all my beautiful plan, ruined.

I'm going to hurt myself more and more until I don't feel the pain anymore. Until pain becomes part of me. I know, expressing myself to anyone could end up with a negative treatment to me. I will accused for being not fair. I'll be accused for making false accusations. But, if I don't tell, I'll be accused of keeping secrets. If I tell, I'll be hurting myself not to say hurting the one I love. The reason why I am so moody and lost in my own small tiny feeling. Sometimes, I really wish I don't have to end it. Let it roll forever until it becomes just an ordinary part of my life. The life I am happy with. As long as I am not just another notification that falls at the bottom, I am happy with it. The first thought in the morning and the last thought before bed. It might feel enough for me. At least, I knew, I'm still loved. 

Pity me 😔. Adios

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong to keep loving you?

Is it wrong not to let you go from my heart?

Is it wrong to cry over you?

Is it wrong being jealous?

Is it wrong to keep it to myself just like before?

Is it wrong to have the tendency to text you?

Is it wrong to talk dirty to you?

Is it wrong look for you?

Is it wrong not to look for you?

Is it wrong to miss you all the times?

Is it wrong to update you my life?

Is it wrong to show my sadness?

Is it wrong for me being alone?

Is it wrong to cry now writing this?

Is it wrong not to care?

Is it wrong to be quiet?

Is it wrong to put in hope?

Is it wrong to fall in love?

Is it wrong to question your heart?

Is it wrong being doubtful?

Is it wrong to sleep in silence?

Is it wrong play it cool when it is not?

Is it wrong to keep loving you in silence?

Is everything wrong?

What is right?

Being me again like a year ago?

Keep my feeling deep inside, hidden from the world and express it all in my blog?

Playing puzzle with my broken life, picking up the loose pieces, trying to fit it at right place, hoping it fits.

And I know, my life puzzle will not be complete and can't be complete without your missing piece. 

It will take me long time to realise that this puzzle is all I want even that missing piece will never be found 

Adios.