Am I a liar?

 It has been a while since I didn't blog. Why? Seems like I have stopped since March 2024. In April, there's totally zero even I promised myself that every month, there would be at least one "coretan" from me. I even blogged earlier in September 2023 that I would have time now to write. Looks like it is actually a lie. Ever since I took the position as an EXCO in Union, I barely have time for myself. I am so busy that I don't even have time to prepare myself for Ramadan. It is just come and go, just like that. Then when I am ready to celebrate Hari Raya, then come a family trouble. Things that I am not ready yet. Children's marriage. As a father, I expect this will come sooner or later. Even my eldest has passed through the process and I managed to handle it though it is a failed one, I'm still not ready to go through that process once more. The family issue this time really had impact in my life. I was so devastated that my whole Raya celebration was down the drain. I have no mood to enjoy it as before. No open house. No house visiting as previous years. No enjoyment at all. Luckily, all my children has grown up and they don't demand much on the celebration. The whole month of April becomes a disaster for me that even on my birthday, the days just pass by like that. April surprises me as well when she suddenly shows her interest to come back "home". After years of being separated with walls, she started to show her interest to be back. I was so confuse, with all the issue with my son, my work, my feelings, she suddenly appear without any words at the moment I am seriously ready to move forward with my life.

So, I decided that I need to run away from all this trouble for a while. I need a long drive so that I can think of what is my next step. I seek guidance from the al-Mighty that please show me a sign if this is the best thing for me. I need to clear my mind and focus with my life for a while. There's something in my heart that troubled me and I need an answer. I never had this feeling ever and I don't know what is it. The feeling that disturbed me since I am back from my Jakarta trip. The answer I wouldn't find if I stayed home. So, I told myself, do what you've been doing in the past. Go for an unplanned trip and seek the answer. The journey for 200km do made an impact in me. I enjoy my moment alone in the car, listening to loud music and sing along. There's no one there except me and music. I stop whenever I feel I want to stop. Explore the places that I always pass by. No pressure. No expectation. Just for me to clear my mind and focus on one thing only, the answer.

This is the journey that I never regret at all in my life. This is where, for the first time ever, I've been guided to find comfort in my heart. Cuddled that feeling in the night and spoke the truth without any hesitation. It has never crossed my mind to lie. Being with her, I feel like I am an open book. There's nothing that to hide. My past, my present and even my future flashes in my eyes. At first, I tried to deny my feeling and holding myself to say the "L" word but days passed by and progress was so fast that even we can't believe it. The feeling of comfortable with each other grew into something big and it strikes me, I think I am in love. The feeling that I never had since 30 years ago. Is this the real thing? I keep asking myself that but that feeling comes from deep in my heart and not form my desire, my mind or my brain. 

And that feeling was the feeling that I lie to myself the whole way driving back home "I am not in love" and keep repeating it along the way. This can't be happening. There's so many times I had a chance to fall in love but I managed to "kill" it before it even grew. But this time, I can't stop it from growing. The root is very deep that in May, I expressed it openly without any hesitation. That was sincerely from the root of my heart. I can't deny that feeling and I knew, it is wrong but I can't lie to myself anymore. Whatever my past was, it will remain in the past. I have no intention to go back there as I have found my future. If my life was a disaster before, so let it be. I need to move forward and feel comfortable and loveable with someone I love. 

Let the next chapter of my open book remains blank so that I can drew and craft whatever I want for my life. There might be a plot twist, crying, happiness, loneliness, togetherness, let draw it together with. It is the whole new world out there. Don't fill it with sadness, hate or even broken heart.

Adios.

Should I hope?

I was so excited this morning. Put on my best shirt, shaved and making sure I will still smell nice after 8 hours of work. Just can't wait till 5.30pm. When the clock reached 5pm, I quickly punch out and dashed to my car, driving excitedly towards her place. Then I realised, I forgot to fuel in my car. Have to make a U-turn and found the nearest gas station. Hope was so high that I could surprise her. After filing the tank, I continue the journey but was caught in heavy traffic jam. I was so worried that I'll be late. My eyes keeps watching at my handphone and the time. Almost 45 minutes I'm stuck in the jam. Suddenly, my phone notification sounded. It's from her. "Balik". I was a bit stunned and frustrated. She left. I tried to act cool and just replied that I'm going to the shop she promised we'll be going to last night hoping that she remembers. Her reply sounds like she can't make it and I understand. It will be very late if she have to accompany me. I'm just another couple of hundred metres from her place but there's no point going there anymore. So, I decided to turn around and went home instead. All green lights for my journey home. My mind was really off. Frustrated for don't know for how many times. It has been a frustrating week for me and it keeps me so moody. I just want a 30seconds hug. Enough. That is also hard to get. I just don't know how to express it anymore. She wouldn't understand. 

Reaching home, I feel a deep pain in my soul. I just took off my shirt and lie down on bed, few seconds later, I felt asleep. Waking up slightly after 9pm. Hungry and thirsty but first thing I did,  I texted her, "Where are you?". Waiting. Still no bluetick. It's been like this since weeks ago. I have to be patience and accepted the reality. My text now is either in the notification and dropped down off the important hierarchy or could only be response when the course is clear. That's my assumption. I have to understand it. Not her fault. I never blame her if she did that. We have the mutual agreement. I've seen her did that to other people and there's no surprise if I fell into that category too but I am positive about it. She might be busy, fulfilling her duty as a mother and a wife. Ya, she belongs to somebody. 

I know it and I keep reminding myself, to let her continue her life like a year ago. Yes. A year ago. The moment I believe I was so depressed just like at this moment. I made a surprise decision to fly to Jakarta. A place that I never thought of going. Just to heal and find my true feeling. That was a year ago and it is history. No one else knows this except her. I have never fell in love so deeply like this. Even with my partner now, it was never like this. It is really hurt if someone we love so much did not give even a little attention to you. Knowing so much about you but still being ignored for a few seconds could hurt. But, I've promised her, I won't get hurt. I'm very sure at that moment, I will not get hurt. Little that I know, I never have this experience before. I am wrong. I do get hurt but I can't tell anyone. The word I'm okay is just I am okay. Alive. Surviving. Living my dream world. That's all. When night fall, I just crawl into my small tiny shell and cry in silence or I sleep, hoping for the sun not to rise so that I can continue sleep and dream. I can't show it to her or anyone else. I just can't. I don't expect any sympathy anymore. I've ever cried like this before years ago. Just at the moment I am ready to face the world happily with my new love, she suddenly appear back into my life, spoiling all my future plan. Keeps pressing and pressuring me until I burst into anger. Anger and moody all the time because all my beautiful plan, ruined.

I'm going to hurt myself more and more until I don't feel the pain anymore. Until pain becomes part of me. I know, expressing myself to anyone could end up with a negative treatment to me. I will accused for being not fair. I'll be accused for making false accusations. But, if I don't tell, I'll be accused of keeping secrets. If I tell, I'll be hurting myself not to say hurting the one I love. The reason why I am so moody and lost in my own small tiny feeling. Sometimes, I really wish I don't have to end it. Let it roll forever until it becomes just an ordinary part of my life. The life I am happy with. As long as I am not just another notification that falls at the bottom, I am happy with it. The first thought in the morning and the last thought before bed. It might feel enough for me. At least, I knew, I'm still loved. 

Pity me 😔. Adios